Little Johnny was telling his father, “My Chemistry teacher is really giving me a rough time.”
“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”
Johnny sighed, “I really don’t think that’ll help, Dad.”
“Why not?” asked his father.
“During study break, she hissed at me that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”
Moss and Roy were chatting in the IT department at work.
“Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar,” said Roy
Moss asked, “So what happened? What did you do?”
“Well,” said Roy, “I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off.”
“You’re kidding me!” exclaimed Moss
“No seriously! I took her miniskirt off, then her bra, her panties, and then I lifted her up and put her on the desk next to my new laptop.”
“Really?” Moss said with excitement. “You got a new laptop?”
A groom passed down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar. The best man noticed that the groom had the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man asked, “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up with that smile?”
The groom replied, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
The bride came walking down the aisle, and she too had the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor noticed this and asked, “Hey, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up with that smile?”
The bride replied, “I’ll never have to give another blow job for the rest of my life!”
A housewife called a plumber to fix a leaky pipe.
During the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. One thing led to another, and before long the two were frolicking in the sheets.
Suddenly the phone rang, and the housewife took the call. After she hung up the phone she told the plumber, “That was my husband. He’s on his way home now, but he’ll be going back to the office around 8pm. Come back then, and we can take up where we left off.”
The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief, “What? On my own time?”
Back to the Menial Surfdom
Do you remember when I mentioned that promotion? Well, now I’m demoted back to my old position. It was actually per my request. Here’s the scoop:
When I applied for the position, I thought I’d get along great with my new coworkers… Well I was half right. I got along great with my new boss… but the other guy… Let’s just call him “Martin” (not his real name)… While we seemed to get along on the surface, I really couldn’t stand working with “Martin”.
Of course when I asked for my old job back, I gave the supervisor a different reason because even though I didn’t like working with “Martin”, he’s not a bad guy, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. After all, it wasn’t his fault that I didn’t like working with him, and the guy who was “next in line” likes working with “Martin”. It seems everything worked out for the best after all.
Look, I already don’t like to work. I’ve said it many times that if I didn’t have to work for a living, I wouldn’t. Since I have to work for a living 5 to 6 days a week, it better not be something that makes me miserable. Working with Martin made me feel miserable, so it wasn’t worth the extra money.
Oh, and there’s a silver lining… The guy in charge of my department will be retiring in the next 3 to 6 years, and guess who’s the company’s #1 pick to replace him?
That would be me, sweetheart.
Pax,
-f2x
A few guys always got together every Friday after work. It was Friday the 13th, and Chad showed up particularly late.
He sat down at the bar and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, “I’m having some really bad luck today. I mean, I stopped by the house after work and my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can’t believe it.”
At which point his buddy Troy put his hand on Chad’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad, she’s cut me out altogether.”
Two nuns, Sister Clara and Sister Agnes, were walking through the park when they were jumped by two thugs.
The men ripped off the women’s habits and began to rape them.
Sister Clara cast her eyes heavenward and cried, “Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!”
Sister Agnes looked at Sister Clare with a smile and said, “Mine sure does.”
A Mexican family was trying to find a nursing home for their grandfather. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asked the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said Grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,” said the grandfather. “There’s a musician here. 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!
“Then there’s the judge in here. 95 years old. Hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’!
“And there’s a physician here. 90 years old. He hasn’t practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!”
Then with a proud smile, Grandpa said, “And me, I haven’t had sex in over 35 years, and they still call me ‘The Fucking Mexican!'”
Paddy decided to go rabbit hunting, but when he got to his favorite field, he saw the village priest was already there.
Paddy watched with fascination as the priest held his finger over the rabbit hole, and immediately a rabbit popped out. The priest grabbed it and put it into a sack.
He repeated this unusual but very successful technique until his sack was full of rabbits.
Paddy stopped the priest and asked him how he did it.
“Easy,” said the priest. “Stick your finger in your wife’s pussy and wiggle it around a bit. When you hold your finger over a rabbit hole, they can’t resist the smell. When they pop their heads out, you grab them.”
Paddy rushed home to find his wife bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifted up her skirt and applied his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Paddy’s wife giggled, “Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?”
