Author Archives: f2x

Alfred called his wife, Gladis into the bedroom, “I want to show you the new clock I got today.”

She went into the bedroom and find him with his pants down. “That’s not a clock!” said Gladis.

“It will be once you put two hands and a face on it.”

A middle aged couple went to a livestock show one fine Sunday afternoon and were watching the auctioning of the bulls.

The auctioneer announced the first bull, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year.”

The wife nudged her husband in the ribs and commented, “See! That was more than once a week!”

The second bull was up next. “Another fine specimen,” said the auctioneer, “This wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife nudged her husband, “Hey, that’s more than twice a week. What do you say to that?”

Her husband was getting really annoyed with this comparison.

It wasn’t long and the third bull went up for sale. “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!” announced the auctioneer.

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and scolded, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”

The husband was pretty irritated by now and shot back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But go ask that auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

“Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner.”

Out of town on business, Jerry went to an infamous brothel, known for a gal named Sally. He was shown to her room, and found her laying naked on the bed. “Go ahead, but let me know how it is,” she said.

After a few minutes Jerry said, “It’s not bad but a bit loose.”

“Get off for a moment,” said Sally

Jerry got up, and Sally reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

“Try it now.” she said.

He did and found it was a little better but still a too loose. He told her so, and she repeated her actions. When Jerry tried it again it was perfect!

After Jerry had finished, he asked, “How do you manage to adjust its size to fit anyone?”

“Well,” she said, “I’ve been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up.”

Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.

“Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

So, Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, “Fuck off, you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off!”

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks “Was that cross enough?”

Zeke and Emmy Lou got married and had a new baby every year or less.

After their 13th baby was born, the couple told the doctor that they were going to stop having babies as soon as they figured out what was causing them.

The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try covering the organ before they made love.

Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant again, and the doctor asked Zeke if he tried covering his organ like he had suggested they do.

Zeke said, “We don’t have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the piano.”

Two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from boasting to Kenny about his sexual endurance.

“Three times,” gasped Kenny admiringly.  “How’d you do it?”

“It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.”

“I gotta try it,” said Kenny.

So that night Kenny made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

Kenny woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

“What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?”

“What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where the fuck were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?”