A recently retired couple in their late 60’s were visited by a magic fairy who granted them each one wish.
“I want to travel around the world with my husband”, said the wife.
Just then two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appeared in her hand.
With a daring grin, the husband said, “I wish my wife was 30 years younger than me.”
And with that, the magic fairy waved her wand and transformed the husband into a 97 year old man.
A lost hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you!” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”
“Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
Little Bobby was excited about his first day at school, but only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
The teacher said yes, and asked him to be quick. Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it”, he cried.
The teacher drew him a little map of where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the paper and said “I think so.” and went on his way.
Five minutes later he returned to the class room and said, “I still can’t find it.”
Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny to help him, so the two boys went together. Five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Johnny, “Well, did you help him find it?”
Johnny was quick to reply, “Oh sure. Bobby just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”
Jeffrey died and went to hell. Once there, he found that there was a different hell representing every country. He decided to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he was told: “First we put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
Jeffrey did not like the sound of that, so he checked out the American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They were all similarly themed with electric chairs, nail beds, and whipping.
However, when he came to the Italian Hell, there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asked, “What do they do here?”
The doorman explained, “First we put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
“But that’s the same as the others!” exclaimed Jeffrey. “Why are so many people waiting to get in?”
“Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, which makes the bed comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.”
And Then Things Got Worse
I had to go to the doctor’s to be put on a nebulizer this past week. While I’m starting to move towards recovery, my bronchitis has been particularly nasty. It was trying to turn into pneumonia, which is basically a death sentence to a fat middle aged guy like me.
So will I live? Hell, I don’t know. My shits still all fucked up, and it hurts to inhale. I’ve coughed so much, it damaged my lungs, and now I’m coughing up foam. Google it. It’s not a good sign.
Any good news? Well, you’ll get five new jokes this week. I’d say that’s some pretty good news. Other than that… No.
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