Rowing in a Field

A blonde was driving along a lonely country road with fields on either side. As she looked out her side window, she saw another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”

“Oh yeah?” the other blonde yelled back. “So whaddya gonna do about it?”

Enraged by this impudence the first blonde screamed, “You’re lucky I can’t swim, or I’d come out there and punch your lights out!”

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Happy %^&*ing New Year

Boy, I hope your new year is starting off better than mine. I got the stomach flu, and let me tell you, I feel like crap! Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and head and body aches.

Tell ya what… rather than listen to me piss and moan, just check back in a week or so to see if I’m still alive.

Kudos and Promos

Again, the contributor of this week’s jokes is George, a man whom I’ve never met, and I probably never will, but thanks to the wonders of the internet, fate has brought us together. Thanks George. And if you would like to contribute, please visit our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.

Flush Twice T-Shirts are free! Be the first person to ever ask for one: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)

Pax,

-f2x

The After Work Accident

The phone rang. Angie saw that it was her husband. Todd, and answered the call.

“Sweetheart, I had a really bad accident as I was leaving work,” explained Todd. “Sandra took me to the hospital. After the doctors examined my X-rays, they said it was much worse than they initially thought. I have a cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries, also, they will have to amputate my right leg.”

Angie took a couple deep breaths to compose herself before she could speak. “Todd,” she said in a concerned tone, “Who the hell is Sandra?”

Seeing a Doctor

Margret called her physician’s office to schedule an appointment. The nurse taking the call asked about the nature of the visit.

“I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” explained Margret.

“Oh, I see,” replied the Nurse. “Have you already seen the doctor?”

“No,” lamented Margret. “Just spots.”

Checkout Line

Wendy got in line at her local supermarket. Her basket contained a mop, a broom, and several other cleaning supplies. It was obvious she was in a hurry, and it just so happened the line was moving rather slowly.

When the cashier called the manager over for assistance with a customer’s payment issue, Wendy remarked indignantly, “At this rate, I’ll be lucky to get home before dark!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the man standing in line ahead of her. “With the wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom of yours, you should be home in no time.”

Weeweechu!

Under the romantic light of the moon, Pedro requested, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

“Not now, Pedro.” sighed Rosita. “Let’s just sit here and look at the moon!”

“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu,” begged Pedro. “I love you and it’s the perfect time.”

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon,” pleaded Rosita.

“Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and acquiesced, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang:

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

A Perfect Little Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place, because everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or the perfect man.

MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man or Santa, the perfect woman must have been driving, which explains why there was a car accident in the first place.

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Merry Christmas

First, let’s get this annual issue out of the way. I say “Merry Christmas” because that’s what I’ve always said, and I’m old enough to have been saying it long before certain groups started imagining themselves to being persecuted for it. Whoever invented this notion that there is an armed conflict surrounding this specific holiday within the confines of western nations is a master at devilry.

I resent people who use the phrase as a divisive political tool in determining who is going on their naughty list. It’s not exactly a Christian thing to do. Being a Christian myself, I am offended by the use of my religious beliefs to forward your political agenda. You can bet your malevolent ass, I’ll be standing at that gate to testify that you are not a Christian if you do this. You are perverting the teachings of Christ, and you will answer for this on your judgement day.

As for the rest of you, I do wish you and yours a very merry Christmas. May your new year dreams come true.

New Header

I sprung it a little early this year, but the new header image for the website is in place. There has been a few subtle changes in the character designs over the past year, and I wanted to be sure the Header represented the look of the latest comics. I also decreased the height of the header from 200 to 150 pixels. I think it looks pretty good.

The logo text saw some changes as well. First, I updated my font, and I wanted to show it off in the logo. Next I mentioned the comic’s title since I differentiated it from the title of the site a while back. Finally, I specified which days had jokes. As usual, I kept the “Once for the bulk…” phrase, but this might be the last year I keep it.

I also changed the site’s tagline to just, “Jokes and Comics”.


Kudos and Promos

Thanks to George, who selflessly provides the jokes in his emails to me every week. But why should George do all the work? Submit jokes to Flush Twice! You can use our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.

It’s not too late to get your FREE Flush Twice T-Shirt. It’s a shirt! To get one, click on this link and follow the instructions: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)

Pax,

-f2x