Monthly Archives: February 2016

A man walked into a grocery store, “I would like half a head of lettuce.”

The teenager working there answered, “Sorry sir, we only sell full heads of lettuce.”

“But I only want half a head”

“Sorry, but we can’t do that”

Getting angry, the man demanded that the boy speak to the manager. So the teenager went back to the manager, and told him “Sir, there is some asshole in the store who wants half a head of lettuce…” When he turned to point out the the customer, he saw that the man was standing directly behind him. “And this gentleman wants the other half.”

With a nod, the manager sent the young clerk off and dealt with the customer. Afterward he went to the teenager, “Son, I am really impressed how quick you were on your feet back there. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Canada, sir,” the lad replied.

“Oh,” said the manager. “Why did you leave?”

“There’s nothing in Canada but hockey players and sluts.”

The manager replied, “My wife is from Canada.”

“Really, what team did she play for?”

Q: What’s long and black and smells like shit?
A: The welfare line.

Q: What is a black person’s worst fear?
A: Child support.

Q: What does a black person have in common with a broken soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

Q: What do you call a barn full of old niggers?
A: Antique farm equipment.

Q: What’s the difference between a black guy and an elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.

Q: A nigger and a spic fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?
A: The spic, because the nigger is stopped by the rope around his neck.

Q: How do you starve a black person?
A: Put their food stamps under a job application.

Q: What do you call a black woman getting an abortion?
A: A crime fighter.

Q: What does a nigger do after sex?
A: Usually 25 to life.

Q: Why don’t black kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because they are afraid the cats will try to cover them up.

Q: How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?
A: Put Velcro on the ceiling.

Q: Why do pill bottles have cotton in the top of them?
A: To remind niggers that they were cotton pickers before they were doing drugs.

Q: What do u call a bunch of blacks buried up to their heads in dirt?
A: Afro-turf.

Q: Why are black people such fast runners?
A: The slow ones are already in jail.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague’s interest in one of the firm’s new secretaries.

“I just don’t get it.” said one. “She’s an airhead, with nothing going on upstairs.”

“That may be true,” replied the other, “but I don’t think that’s the floor he’s getting off on.”

A psychologist is a someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.

A professor is the man who can talk in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

John was a pathological philanderer. One day he was boasting about his sexual conquests and told Hal that he was currently dating two sisters.

“Both at the same time?” asked Hal.

“Well, not together,” replied John. “I visit them at different times so they don’t suspect they’re seeing the same guy.”

“You sure are a piece of work, John! How long do you think it will be before they catch you this time?”

“I dunno,” said John. “I’m surprised they haven’t figured it out already considering they both live in the same convent.”

A couple was having financial difficulties, so it was decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a notoriously popular corner and assured her that he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A man pulled up shortly after and asked her how much she wanted to go all the way.

She asked him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

Her husband told her to charge the client one-hundred bucks.

She went back and informed the client, and he groaned, “That’s too much!” Then he asked, “How much for a hand job?”

She asked him to wait a minute again and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband told her to charge forty bucks. She came back and informed the man, and he felt that this was an agreeable price.

As the man began to remove his pants and underwear, the woman noticed he was really well hung. She asked him to wait a moment and ran around the corner again.

The husband asked, “Now what?”

The wife put out her hand and said, “I need to borrow sixty bucks!”

A notorious womanizer named Norman left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman: a practicing witch.

The morning after she had caught Norman with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. Norman thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.

In a panic, Norman sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man, and ran tests on the strange tissue.

By now, the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.

“What is this thing growing out of my head Doctor?” asked Norman.

“We’ve run every test we know to confirm the findings,” he said gravely, “but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis.”

“I can’t believe this! Isn’t there anything you can do?” pleaded a distraught Norman.

“I’m afraid not. The base of the new penis is attached to your frontal lobe and removing it would kill you.”

“I’ll be a freak! No woman will come near me!” cried Norman.

“There’s more,” said the Doctor. “You’re going to experience vision problems.”

“No! No! Are you saying I’ll be blind, too?” screamed Norman.

“No, you will not go blind, but you’ll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes.”

Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.

Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.

You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

You won’t get arrested if you pay for chocolate.

You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.

Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

Good chocolate is easy to find.

You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

With chocolate size doesn’t matter.