Monthly Archives: June 2015

A young man came into work looking a bit shopworn. His manager was rather displeased with the worker’s less than professional appearance.
“I’m sorry, boss,” said the young man. “It’s my girlfriend. She wants sex three to four times a day. I’m so exhausted, I just don’t know what to do!”
The manager’s furrowed brow softened with understanding, “For God’s sake marry her! That’ll put a stop to that shit real quick!”

There was a church meeting where the topic was “Burial or Cremation?”. Two of the people got rather worked up.
The first one said to the other, “If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!”
The other replied, “Well, I’m told that petroleum comes from fossilized remains, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!”

There was an adult bookstore that opened right next door to a church.
The church members were unhappy about that, so they prayed that the store would go away.
Sure enough the store burned to the ground.
The bookstore owner took the church to court, claiming they were at fault.
The judge after hearing the complaint said that she couldn’t comment on how the case would be settled, but she thought it amazing the 525 church members didn’t believe in the power of prayer, and one adult bookstore owner who did.

Tom was riding along in Larry’s new car. As Tom admired the new vehicle, he asked Larry about its features.
Larry listed the usual, then added, “It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It also points out solid no-passing lines.”
Tom was impressed by these new features and asked to see them demonstrated.
“I would,” explained Larry, “but these features work only when my wife is in the car.”

After a few too many visits to the “Pleasure Parlor” Bill notices green lumps on his willy. So off he goes to the doctor.
The doctor explains “You know how wrestlers and rugby players get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says Bill, nodding seriously.
“Well” says the doctor, “You’ve got Brothel Sprouts.”

A woman sits down next to a cowboy in a bar.
She asks, “Are you a REAL cowboy?”
He replies, “Well, Ma’am, I brand calves, rope steers, mend fence, ride the range. Yup… I’m a REAL cowboy.”
She says, “Well I’m a lesbian. I think about women all day, all evening, all the time. It seems all I ever do is think about making love with women.”
And then they sat there quietly sipping their beers.
Just then a man walked in and sat on the other side of the cowboy. He said, “Are you a REAL cowboy?”
The cowboy responded, “Well, I THOUGHT I was, but I just found out that I’m actually a lesbian.”

Two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.
“Okay,” they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah” said the guy. “Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I killed him” said the guy.
Shocked, the trader asks “Why?”
To which the guy replies, “I caught him in bed with my board!”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

One day, John mentioned to his wife, “The guys down at the bar say that our landlord is screwing every woman in this apartment building except for one, but they aren’t sure who that one is.”
Without hesitation his wife replied, “I know who. It’s that stuck up bitch in apartment 12 down the hall.”

Jim died, and because he was generally a rotten bastard he was sent straight to hell and greeted by Satan himself.
“So Jim,” started Satan, “Do you like cigars?”
A little nervous and confused, Jim stammered, “Well, y-yeah.”
“Great! We have all you can smoke Mondays down here,” said Satan. “Look, I know people think of hell as this terrible place, but it’s not so bad. Say, do you like to drink?”
“Sure,” said Jim.
“Oh, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. We got beer, wine, 50 year old Scotch… You name it, we got it all on all you can drink Tuesdays,” said Satan. “So did you ever like to do drugs?”
“Occasionally,” replied Jim feeling a little more relaxed about his situation.
“Well, after a day of binge drinking we got all kinds of drugs to take the edge off on Wednesdays. Pot, coke, heroine… As much as you want, and you can’t O.D. because you’re already dead! Say, do you like to gamble?” asked Satan.
“I’ve been known to place a few bets now and then,” Jim said with a wicked grin.
“Well on Thursdays we got all kinds of gambling from casinos to horse races, and all the scratch-offs you can handle!”
“Wow, that sounds really great!” said Jim.
“So tell me,” asked Satan, “are you gay?”
“Uh… No, not at all.”
“Ouch! You’re really gonna hate Fridays then…”