Monthly Archives: December 2014

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my son is gay too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah… my wife!”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asked him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought for a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “I’d say let’s give him back his 50¢ and tell him to go to Hell.”

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class of what it takes to go to heaven. “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” she asked the children.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my family more, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

Thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than she had given them credit for she asked, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she let out a fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer.
Two floors later, Jon got on the elevator.
He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”
“Well, yes I do,” he replied.
“What does it smell like,” she asked?
Jon answered, “I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone took a shit under a Christmas tree.”

A blonde had been walking up and down one of the aisles at her local pet store when she finally asked the sales clerk for help, “I’d like a box of birdseed, but I’m not sure what kind to get.”
“Well, There are different seeds for different birds. Do you know which bird?” he asked helpfully.
“Oh, I dunno,” she replied. “Whichever will grow the fastest.”

A young biker was brought into court for destroying a tavern in a brawl. He appeared before the judge and said, “Your Honor, I am not guilty! My reputation is spotless.”
Unimpressed, the judge said, “Do you have any witnesses who can vouch for your character?”
The young man pointed to a man in the corner. “Sure, the sheriff over there.”
Taken by surprise, the sheriff stood up and declared, “Your Honor, this man is a liar. I have never seen him before in my life!”
The young man turned to the judge and said, “See? I have lived here for 15 years and the sheriff doesn’t know me. Ain’t that character reference enough, Your Honor?”

There was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. This highly classified position is hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved. After sending applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”
“Well”, says the CIA man, “You’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Now they’re down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

Tommy ran up to his kindergarten teacher at recess and cried, “Miss Reynolds, there’s a cat over there by the swings!”
“Well leave it alone, and maybe it will find its way back home,” replied the teacher.
“I don’t think so,” said Tommy. “It’s a dead cat.”
“How do you know it’s dead?” asked Miss Reynolds.
“Because I pissed in its ear, and it didn’t move,” said Tommy.
“You did WHAT?!” exclaimed the teacher.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

Jim and Edna were patients committed to a mental hospital. They were walking along a swimming pool at the facility when Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and just stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
The medical director became aware of Edna’s heroic act and immediately re-evaluated her condition. After a review of her file, he determined Edna to be sane. He arranged for her to be discharged from the hospital and went to see Edna to tell her the good news.
“Edna,” said the director with a smile, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. For this reason, you are hereby being discharged.” His tone then suddenly became more solemn as he continued, “The bad news is the patient you saved, Jim, hung himself with his bathrobe’s belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna cheerfully replied, “Jim didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

During a college lecture, the professor was explaining how seminal fluid contains fructose, fatty acids, and proteins to nourish the sperm. A young student raised her hand and asked “If I heard correctly, you’re saying there is fructose in male semen? Like, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct”, responded the professor, as he went on to add more statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the room burst out laughing. The poor girl’s face turned bright red as she realized what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). She frantically picked up her books and started to scurry out of the class.
As she was going out the door, the professor nonchalantly replied, “Maybe it doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”