Loveless Leftovers

f2x0122

So most people know about the strange U.S. custom of eating a giant turkey feast on the last Thursday of November. If you didn’t, well, that’s what we do. After which we have a lot of badly aging leftovers stuffed into our refrigerators for about a week. My mother used to create a myriad of soups, casseroles, and concoctions from the remains. I dare say my dad probably has a few Cool Whip containers that she’d left behind in the deep freezer from Thanksgivings long past… And knowing my dad, he’d probably eat them too.

Hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving.

Final Requests

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?”
“Certainly,” replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”
“Please,” said the condemned man, “Kill me first.”

Thanksgiving Prayer

A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited — and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

Communicable Conversation

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”

Alleviating Ailments

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. By the ways, you got nice house.”

The Jittery Jitney

The passenger tapped the driver of the taxi on his shoulder to ask him a question.

Suddenly, the driver screamed, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped mere inches from a store window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. “Don’t ever do that again! You scared the daylights out of me!” scolded the driver.

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

“Sorry, it’s not your fault,” conceded the driver. “Today is my first day as a cab driver. Previously I had been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

The Invitation

f2x0121

So yes, I’ve got an Ello account, and I have no idea what it’s good for. Here it is: https://ello.co/f2x.

As I skimmed through the other users, it would seem that the vast majority are identifying themselves as “graphic designer”. Yeah… It feels like I’m in a room full of people drinking the most pretentious sounding beverages at Starbucks, and I’m standing there with a used styrofoam cup half full of a tepid watered down generic instant coffee.

Personally I get the impression that this site isn’t going to be a Facebook killer. Honestly I doubt it will become as popular as MySpace. People will sign up out of curiosity , post a few things, promptly forget about it, but not before they blog about how awful the experience was.

So maybe that’s what Ello is good for: Unifying the internet in proclaiming how bad it sucks.

Potty Times

Three elderly men at a retirement home were complaining to each other of their constipation issues.
The first one said “I wake up everyday for breakfast at seven in the morning and I can’t take a piss until ten”.
The second man replied “You think you have it bad? I can’t take a piss or a shit until the afternoon even with all the laxatives!”.
The third elderly man told the two “You think you two have it bad?! I piss and shit at eight in the morning!”.
“Well what’s so bad about that?” They asked.
“I usually wake up at nine”.

The Polish Shopper

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m
Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

The Single Shopper

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 quarts of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 quarts of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a jar of instant coffee, and a pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt at check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Because you’re ugly.”