Well, Birdie’s back! The biggest problem with female characters is getting the breasts just right. Too big, and people just fixate on the breasts, missing any joke there might have been. On the other hand, females without them don’t look like females. Looking back I saw a lot of really bad boobs on my female characters, and this leads me to believe that I just don’t spend enough time studying breasts. Which leads me to my new task for the rest of the year. I plan on studying every female’s breasts that I encounter. It’s going to be rough, but I think it will be worth it.
A six year-old girl walks into the bathroom as her dad is getting out of the shower.
“Daddy, what’s that?” she asks, pointing up.
“Well, it’s a penis” he replies.
“A penis? When am I going to get one of those?”
“Just as soon as your mother leaves for work.”
Guy picks up a hooker and once at the hotel, starts to fuck. He screams in agony as he pulls his cock out. “What the fuck…” he say “it feels like fucking two rocks”.
The hooker stands up “Oh I am so sorry..” and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and lays on the bed “Try that again Sugar” she says.
He does and it is the smoothest warmest pussy he has ever felt. While dressing he asks “That was a rough start but damn it was incredible. What did you do?”
You know, before I joined the Army, getting every day things done always seemed so much easier. Of course trying to cope with the loss of my thyroid hasn’t made this handicap any easier.
A man goes to his best friend’s house to watch the hockey game. At the end of the first period the man says to his friend, “You know, we’ve been friends for a long time and I’ve always wanted to tell you this, but I really want to fuck your wife.”
The friend thinks for a moment before replying, “Ok. You can fuck my wife, but promise me one thing. You MUST NOT go down on her.”
The man says ok, goes upstairs and fucks his friend’s wife, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t resist the urge to go down on her. He comes back just as the second period is starting and says to his friend, “Man, I’m really sorry, but I couldn’t resist the urge to go down on your wife. The weirdest thing happened when I did it though… I got a mouth full of rice.”
The friend laughs and says, “That wasn’t rice, she’s been dead for a month!”
So you thought that wasn’t bad enough?
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.
“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly man. “You know I live by the railway? Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the films. I ran over, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time. We screwed all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky sod. Was she pretty?”
With my medical bills (and that include vet as well) smacking me left and right, I really need to save every last nickle I can lay hands on… Then again, I’ll just extend my credit a little further so I can continue living my lavish lifestyle.
One day a nurse is giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath and notices the heartbeat change slightly when the sponge was in her crotch.
Excitedly, she goes to the phone and calls the woman’s husband and tells him to come to the hospital.
When he gets there the nurse tells him that she thinks that his wife could be helped perhaps by a little bit of oral sex, that maybe it is crazy but it just might work. The man goes into his wife’s booth. A couple of minutes later her heartbeat flat-lines. The man walks out, and the nurse stunned asks “What happened?”
Yes, I’ve finally decided to end my extended hiatus. You’ll probably notice the characters have a new look. The panel is bigger too. They almost look like how I see them in my head. Almost… I really just want to start over again, but I really hate the idea of breaking the internet if I erase the past. So it’s going to be interesting to see how this all pans out. BTW, I’ve got the next three Saturdays after today already lined up. If I get too far ahead I’ll start publishing daily again…
A woman goes to the doctor. She says to him “Every time my husband comes home, he ends up attacking me, and it’s giving me bruises everywhere and I just want it to stop.”
The doctor replies “I have just the trick. What you need to do is get a jawbreaker, and whenever your husband comes home, just put it in your mouth and suck on it. No matter what, just keep sucking on it. Your problems will go away in no time.”
The woman seems surprised by this trick, but she agrees to try it.
One month later, the woman returns to the doctor. With excitement, she tells him that the jawbreaker trick has worked, and that her husband no longer hurts her. The doctor responds “Good, now you know the value of keeping your mouth shut.”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
