Ever been “that guy”. Yeah, it sucks to be in that position. Of course loathsome seething always makes for a laugh a minute, so next week we’ll move on to more family oriented topics such as getting blood stains out of a diaper.
1. Where’s the rest of it?
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
While I have been giving Gail plenty of attention over the past year and a half, I have not given much if any attention to Alex in this space. Born somewhere around July 15, 2009, Alex is soon to be 12 years old. I got him off Craigslist after my previous cat passed away. The people who were giving him away said that he had been abandoned on their porch. Alex immediately took to his new forever home and soon after learned to come when I called his name.
For almost a decade, Alex has suffered from a kind of bulimia. Whenever I bring it up, the vet repeatedly defaults to the notion that it is hairballs, but hairball remedies do not improve the condition. No, it is more akin to what they call "scarf and barf". He eats, he barfs, he eats again, he is fine... mostly. I have tried many techniques for dealing with this, but nothing has ever proven to be long term effective.
Recently I have found pureeing his canned cat food in an old mini food processor has halted his bulimic patterns. I fear it might not be enough though. Alex has been very thin and tired looking, with a permanently furrowed brow. There is no nice way to say it. I'm getting that EOL vibe.
Please, God, just let me wrong about this for a change. Alex is a good cat, and honestly I don't think I'll be able to get another cat until after Gail is gone. The thing is, I've always had a cat around, and I don't like the idea of not having one. The house would feel too empty.
So let us hope the pureed food turns things around for Alex. Even if he looks like a grumpy old man, I hope he can live another decade or more. In some ways, I even hope he outlives Gail.
Did I mention our submission page? It's still a thing around here, and I count on people like you to put jokes into it. Thanks ever so much. It really means a lot to me.
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.