At the supermarket, Dorothy nervously looked over the oranges with a worried concern.

Noticing her distress, the store manager approached her and asked if everything was alright.

“Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband,” said Dorothy. “Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkiller?”

“No madam,” remarked the manager, “You’ll have to get that from our ‘Home and Garden’ department.”

At the State Fair a young fellow was watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read: “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”

Just then, a cowboy approached the Indian and asked, “Is the sign right?”

The Indian said, “yes.”

The cowboy handed him a fiver and said, “you’re on!”

The Indian looked the cowboy up and down, he noticed some cow dung on the cowboy’s boots and flatly stated, “you’re from Wyoming.”

The cowboy shook his head and said, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolled away.

A second cowboy approached the Indian and went through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stood and watched as the Indian looked him up and down before noticing a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian said, “you’re from Montana!”

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walked away.

The young man decided he’s going to give the Indian a run for his money. He went into the men’s room, took off his boots, scrubbed them up, dried them off, and put on a coat of polish. The he went ouside and approached the Indian. He handed the Indian a five-dollar bill and said, “do your stuff!”

The Indian looked and looked, and appeared to be befuddled. The young man was now certain he had gotten one up on the Indian.

The Indian finally said, “You’re from New Zealand!”

The young man was astonished and asked, “How in the world did you know that I’m from New Zealand?”

The Indian replied, “By the wool on your zipper.”

An 80-year old rancher named Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.

Being a good friend, the town sheriff asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The sheriff then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the sheriff, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the sheriff tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the sheriff ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the sheriff.

Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”

The sheriff, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”

A man, a sheep, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As the days went by, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man until one evening, when he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got extremely jealous, and growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was to be no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

Trying to console her, the man introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…. “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

A photographer from a news organization was assigned to cover the fires in California.

His boss wanted pictures of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze but when the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was too thick. It would be impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. The photographer was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

John died and was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, but that there were rooms for everybody as well.

He opened the first door, explaining, “This is the Catholic room,” and inside John could see a large group of people kneeling and saying Hail Mary.

The next room was a noisy one with shouts of “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” could be heard through the door. “The Baptist room,” explained Peter.

The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls. “Presbyterians,” Peter said.

When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped John. “Shhh!” he said. “Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they don’t think anybody else is here.”

Jerry passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, “Over 35” and “Under 35.”

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, “Over 35.”

Jerry found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.”

Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, “Once a night” and “Over 4 times a night.”

Still wanting to be truthful, Jerry entered the door marked “Once a night” and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: “Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed.”

Evelyn was suing the Northridge Medical Center after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

On the witness stand, Evelyn testified, “My husband Frank and I used to have an amazing sex life until he went into that hospital and had his operation. Now he’s completely lost interest in having sex with me, and it’s all because of those bastards!”

It seemed that the case was clearly in her favor until the surgeon who perform Frank’s surgery took the stand.

“Look,” said the exasperated surgeon, “all I did was remove Frank’s cataracts.”