The teacher told Johnny to stay after class. “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny denied the accusation and told the teacher to prove it.

The teacher explained, “The first question on the test was ‘Who was the first President of the United States, and Mary, who sits next to you, put down George Washington, and so did you.”

“So what?” said Johnny. “Everyone knows he was the first President.”

“Ah, but the next question was ‘Who freed the slaves?’, and both you and Mary wrote down Abraham Lincoln,” remarked the teacher.

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Yes, but the next question was, ‘Who was President during the Louisiana Purchase?'” said the teacher. “Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead had been stranded on a desert island for many years.

One day they found a magic lamp washed up on the shore. Together they rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

“I can grant three wishes”, said the Genie, “but since the three of you are together, you will have only one wish a piece.”

The three nodded in understanding, and the redhead stepped forward to make the first wish. “I hate it here. It is too hot and too boring. I want to go home!”

The genie’s voice boomed loudly, “Your wish is my command!” And off she went.

The the brunette went next and said, “I miss my friends and family. I want to go home, too!”

With a loud thunderous clap of his hands, the genie announce, “Your wish is granted!” And off she went.

The blonde looked around and started crying. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “There’s no one left and I’m all alone. I wish my friends were back here!”

Little Suzy asked her friend Bobby what a penis was.

Bobby wasn’t sure, so he told Suzy he would ask his dad.

That evening Bobby asked his dad what a penis was. His dad exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, “Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see that this is a perfect penis.”

The next day Bobby met with Suzy behind a hedge.

Bobby pulled down his shorts and said, “Suzy, this is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!”

Tom was a devout Catholic and heard that the Pope was coming to town. Hoping to gain the attention of the pontiff he bought a tuxedo.

He went to the parade in his formalwear and notice a bum standing a few yards away from him. The man had old, tattered and dirty clothes on, and looked to be in a very bad way.

It wasn’t long before the the Pope passed by. Tom was disappointed when the pope overlooked him and went over to the bum instead, but he was absolutely amazed to see the Pope speek to the man and whispered something in his ear.

The old bum quietly turned and began to wander away from the area. Intrigued by how the poor wretch was able to gain the attention of the Pope, Tom approached the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.

The next day, Tom went back to the parade dressed in the bum’s clothes. Sure enough, this time when when the Pope came by he stopped in front of Tom and whispered in his ear: “I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here!”

A Rotary visitor to Japan was giving a presentation. He opened up his speech by telling a joke that took him about two minutes to tell.

In under ten seconds and with very few words, the interpreter spoke to the audience and everyone erupted with laughter.

After the presentation, the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly.

“The Japanese have a different sense of humor. They would not have understood the joke, so I told them, ‘Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'”

A young blonde was lying on her therapist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was with finding a job that would suit her.

“I tried to be an actress but couldn’t get cast,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary but couldn’t stand the environment. I tried being a writer and got nowhere with the publishers. I tried being a sales clerk and that didn’t work out either.”

The therapist thought for a moment and said, “For optimal mental health, it’s very important that you find a fulfilling occupation that’s right for you. Have you tried nursing?”

The blonde thought about it for a moment then stood up and took off her blouse. She pointed her bare and ample bosom toward the therapist and said, “Well go ahead. At this point I’ll give anything a try!”

The receptionist answered the phone the morning after the CEO had unexpectedly passed away.

“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller on the phone.

“I am very sorry, but Mr. Daulton passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

“Is Mr. Daulton there?” repeated the caller.

The receptionist was perplexed, “Perhaps you did not understand me. I am afraid Mr. Daulton passed away last night.”

“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller again.

“Ma’am, do you understand what I am saying?” said the exasperated receptionist, “Mr. Daulton is dead.”

“I understand you perfectly,” the caller remarked. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”

Murray had just met the woman of his dreams, but he was horribly shy and could never muster the courage to ask her out on a date.

Fortunately his friend Saul had an ingenious solution. “Send her some flowers,” Saul said. “On the card, invite her to your house for a delicious home cooked meal.”

Murray thought that was a wonderful idea, and immediately dialed the florist.

A few days later, Saul asked Murray how it went.

“It was a disaster! A terrible idea!” moaned Murray.

“Why? What happened? Didn’t she accept?” asked Saul.

“Oh she accepted alright,” said Murray, “but when she came over, she refused to cook!”

Donna and Sam were reading the evening paper, when Donna let out a chuckle.

“Get this, Sam,” she said to her husband. “Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket at the stadium! Could you imagine doing anything like that?”

“That’s just crazy,” said Sam. “I would never do something like that!”

“Aww honey,” Donna cooed, “You’re so sweet!”

“Only an idiot would make such an offer,” Sam added. “The season is already half over!”