A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”

The child did as she was told, and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

A few days later the mother said to the daughter, “Go tell your daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child went to tell her father, returned, and announced, “Daddy said never mind, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

A blind skydiver was being interviewed about his hobby and asked how this was accomplished.

He explained that many things were all done for him. “Others make sure that the parachute is properly harnessed, and I am placed in the door and told when to jump. Even my hand is placed on the release ring for me”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” asked the interviewer

“Oh, that’s easy,” grinned the man. “The dog’s leash goes slack.”

While driving through Natchitoches, Louisiana a husband and wife were arguing about the pronunciation of the town. Before leaving they decided to stop for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”

The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

_{(FYI, while there are acceptable variations, Natchitoches is typically pronounced, Nah’-cuh-dish.)}

An older man had developed a somewhat rare condition that required major surgery. As it so happened, the only qualified surgeon in the region to perform the procedure was his very own son. Before the operation, the father and son had a brief moment to speak.

“Just relax and do you best,” the father told his son, “and remember that if anything goes wrong, your mother is going to move in with you and your family.”

A thief pleaded no contest to stealing a car. Giving the man a chance to tell his side of the story, the Judge asked, “So why did you steal the car?”

“I needed it to drive to work,” replied the defendant.

“You could have just taken the bus,” suggested the judge.

“I couldn’t do that,” said the man. “I don’t have a license to drive the bus.”

Being the good father, Little Johnny’s dad would read stories to his son at bedtime.

Nearly an hour had gone by and Johnny’s mother popped her head in the room and asked, “Is he asleep yet?”

“Yes, Finally!” said Little Johnny.

Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he would live.

After careful charting, she said, “I can’t predict the exact date of your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“And which holiday will this be?” he asked.

“It does not matter.” she replied. “Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday.”

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that,” said the wife. “We have a great relationship. I was a communications major in college, and he majored in theatre arts.”

The husband added, “That’s right. She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”