Two young boys were talking to each other on the playground.

The first one said, “My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid replied, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first responded, “Yeah, but what if they try to escape?”

It was Martin’s first day bartending, and while he knew how to make the most common cocktails, he had yet to master the local lingo.

“I’ll have a B and C,” requested a brunette taking a seat at the bar.

“Sorry, it’s my first day. What is a B and C?”

“It’s a Bourbon and Coke,” explained the Brunette.

A redhead walked up and said, “I’ll have a G and T.”

Martin looked puzzled and asked, “And what is a G and T?”

“It’s a gin and tonic,” explained the redhead.

A blonde sitting at the end of the bar shouted, “Hey bartender! Gimme a 15!”

Martin had no idea and asked, “What is a 15?”

“Do the math!” said the blonde. “It’s a 7 and 7.”

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One turned to the other and said, “This town is getting to be so boring. For $5.00, I’d take off my clothes and streak through the flower show!”

Holding up five dollars, the other old fellow said, “You’re on!”

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and ran completely naked through the front door of the town hall.

A huge commotion could be heard coming from inside the hall, followed by a loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.

With a big grin, the old man said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”

The vehicle was clearly going well above the speed limit when the state trooper decided to pull over the driver.

Hoping to get off with a warning, the woman tried to appear shocked when the police officer walked up to her car.

“In all my life, I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer with an indignant tone.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

On a whim, Jennifer decided to purchase the flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before her flight’s departure, so she stopped at a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

Everything seemed well until she read her fortune cookie: “Today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked an attendee.

“I watched my wife’s routine at making breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying multiple things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the attendee asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

A recently retired couple in their late 60’s were visited by a magic fairy who granted them each one wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my husband”, said the wife.

Just then two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appeared in her hand.

With a daring grin, the husband said, “I wish my wife was 30 years younger than me.”

And with that, the magic fairy waved her wand and transformed the husband into a 97 year old man.

A lost hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you!” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”

“Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

Little Bobby was excited about his first day at school, but only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

The teacher said yes, and asked him to be quick. Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it”, he cried.

The teacher drew him a little map of where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the paper and said “I think so.” and went on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and said, “I still can’t find it.”

Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny to help him, so the two boys went together. Five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.

The teacher asked Johnny, “Well, did you help him find it?”

Johnny was quick to reply, “Oh sure. Bobby just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”