The old CEO was retiring and a new CEO was hired to replace him at a large company. Before the old CEO left, he met with the new CEO privately, and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon gone.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” He did this, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The letter said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

An old timer was sitting at the bar. The bartender had just mentioned how happy he was with the new ice machine.

“Just look at these new cubes!” the bartender beamed. “Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?”

“Yep,” said the old timer. “I’ve been married to one for the past 25 years!”

Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After applying her new makeup, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking at her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Now hold on a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

A man walked in the front door of a bar. He was obviously drunk, and staggered up to the bar. He took a seat and belched out a request for a drink.

The bartender politely informed the man that it appeared he had already had one too many and could not be served. The bartender then offered to call a cab for the inebriated fellow.

The drunk was somewhat dismayed, then with a grumble he climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbled in the side door of the bar. He hobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink.

The bartender came over and politely refused service to the man due to his level of intoxication, and again offered to call a cab.

The drunk looked at the bartender angrily, cursed, and shows himself out the side door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk found his way in through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself up on a bar stool, and belligerently ordered a drink.

The bartender came over and emphatically reminded the man that he is clearly drunk and will not be served any alcohol, and that either a cab or the police would be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looked at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cried “Just how many bars do you work at?”

A Scottish mother was visiting her son in his New York City apartment and asked, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“They are such noisy people, Mother,” explained Donald. “One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald!” exclaimed his mother. “How ever do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do?” said Donald shaking his head. “I just quietly lie in bed while playing me bagpipes.”

Two rednecks were standing at the top of a cliff. One had a budgie on each shoulder. The other had a parrot and a shotgun.

The first guy jumped off the cliff and on the way down the birds flew away. He crashed onto the rocks below and rolled over on his back. He looked up just in time to see his friend jump off too.

As the second guy fell, the parrot flew off. He pulled out his shot gun and shot the bird just before he crashed onto the rocks next to his buddy.

As they each laid there groaning in agony, the first one said, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!”

The second guy let out a groan and said, “I’m not really too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman had smuggled a crate of booze into Saudi Arabia. Without any warning, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were each sentenced to 500 lashes with a whip.

On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced, “It is my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one request before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

The Sheikh allowed the request, but the pillow barely lasted 50 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was up next. After watching the German in horror he requested, “Please affix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 100 lashes before the whip went through. The Frenchman was soon carried away bleeding and moaning loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh said to him “You are British. I really like British people. For this, you may have two requests!”

“Thank you, your merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first request is that you give me not 500, but 1000 lashes.”

With an admiring look on his face, the Sheikh declared, “If 1000 lashes is what you desire, then so be it!”

The Englishman smiled and said, “Thank you ol’ chap, and for my second request, I’d very much appreciate it if you’d tie the Frenchman and the German to my back.”

“It’s a boy,” Jerry cried out, as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

He ran to the exit and threw open the doors exclaiming, “I can’t believe it! It really is a boy!”

On that day, Jerry swore he would never return to Thailand.

It was nighttime, and a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out and stuck a gun to the ribs of a pedestrian wearing a suit.

“Give me your money!” shouted the gunman.

“You can’t do this,” protested the other man. “I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me my money!”