Morris slept with his neighbor’s wife. At first it seemed that the neighbor was none the wiser, but 9 months later when the baby arrived, it was quite apparent that things didn’t add up. The Neighbor’s wife broke down and confessed her infidelity to her husband.

Armed with the truth, the neighbor confronted Morris. “I know what you did!” he yelled at Morris, “And I’m going to make you pay for this!”

“Rubbish!” countered Morris. “Why should I have to pay twice?”

An older couple, Hubert and Valerie, had left the restaurant and were on their way home. They were only a few blocks from their house when Valerie remembered that she had accidentally left her glasses at the restaurant.

Obviously irritated, Hubert grumbled as he turned the car around and headed back to the establishment. He couldn’t help but berate his wife the whole time on their return trip. Valerie began to deeply resent his belittlement of her, simply because she forgot her glasses.

When Hubert pulled into the parking lot, Valarie got out of the car and was relieved that she was momentarily away from Hubert’s complaining.

Just then, Hubert rolled down his window and shouted, “And while you’re in there, you might as well make yourself useful and grab my credit card and hat!”

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, and a Jew were old friends having a discussion
after dinner.

The Catholic announced, “As you all know, I have a very large fortune, and I intend to buy out Citibank!”

The Protestant chimed in and said, “I too am very wealthy, and I’m making it my mission to buy out General Motors!”

The Muslim remarked “Well, I am a fabulously rich prince, and I have made it my intention to purchase all of Microsoft!”

The first three waited for their Jewish friend to speak.

The Jew stirred his coffee, placed the spoon neatly on the table, and took a sip. He then looked sternly at his comrades before saying, “I’m not selling.”

With only 57 days to go, Linda dragged Roger to go Christmas shopping with her at the mall. After walking from store to store for what seemed like hours, Roger quietly slipped away.

When Linda realized her husband had disappeared, she called his cell phone and angrily demanded, “Where the hell are you?”

Roger replied, “Darling, do you remember the jewelry shop where you fell in love with that diamond necklace, but we never had the money to buy it?”

Linda blushed as she smiled and said, “Yes I remember, my love.”

“Well, I’m in the bar next door to that shop.”

Mike was late coming home from school. His sister asked him what took him so long.

“I had to pick up a football for Grandma Brown’s birthday,” explained Mike.

His sister’s mouth nearly dropped to the floor. “You can’t give Grandma a football for her birthday,” she scolded. “She’s doesn’t even like football!”

Mike retorted, “Well then maybe she shouldn’t have gotten me books on my birthday!”

A man saw a sign on a restaurant that read, “Today’s Special: Lobster Tales – $2.00”

So he went inside and told the waitress that he was there for the special and would like two lobster tails.

The waitress informed him that since it was a special, he would have to pay in advance.

The man pulled out his wallet and handed the waitress four dollars, which she quickly tucked into her pocket.

The waitress then asked the man, “Are you ready for your first tale?”

“Boy, I sure am!” said the man enthusiastically.

Then she began “Once upon a time there was this little lobster…”

As the man stepped off the curb to cross the street, a car careened around the corner about a block away.

With the car speeding towards him, the man picked up the pace to cross the road faster, but then the driver suddenly swerved to change lanes.

Panicked, the man darted back towards the side of the street he came from, but again the car swerved back into its original lane and was headed straight towards the man.

Now terrified, the man froze in place. The car screeched sideways, coming to a halt, mere inches from the pedestrian.

The motor still purred as the power window rolled down. To the man’s surprise there was a squirrel behind the wheel of the car.

Before the man could respond to what just happened, the squirrel said, “Not as easy as it looks, now is it?”

A beggar approached a well-dressed man walking down the street and asked, “Say pal, could you spare twenty bucks for a cup of coffee?”

“Twenty dollars?!” exclaimed the gentleman. “Listen my dear fellow, nowhere in this town will you find a place that charges that much for a cup of coffee!”

“I know,” said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, and I wanted to knock off early.”

After his family moved to a new town, little Johnny had his first day at a new school. His previous school records seemed to be misplaced, so the principal was trying to assess Johnny’s education level.

“Can you count to ten?” asked the principal.

“I sure can!” beamed little Johnny. “My dad taught me how!”

“Well then, what comes after nine?” quizzed the principal.

“Ten!” said little Johnny.

“And do you know what comes after ten?”

With a confident smile, Johnny replied, “The Jack!”