As little Johnny was acting up again, the teacher sternly remarked, “Listen, young man, you had better settle down and start paying attention!”

“Or else what?” the little brat retorted.

“Or else you’ll be going home with a soggy report card!” said the teacher.

“Why would my report card be wet?” asked Johnny.

The teacher replied, “Because all your grades are well below ‘C’-level.”

A lawyer went duck hunting in a rural farming town.

He shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck, and it fell into this field. Now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer climbed down from the tractor, walked up to the lawyer, and planted his steel-toed work boot into the other man’s groin, causing the attorney to drop to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer down on all fours, and the farmer’s third kick to the rear end sent the lawyer headfirst into a fresh cow pie!

The lawyer summoned every bit of his strength and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “You know what? Take the damn duck.”

“Congratulations, Johnny!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow, Uncle Marcus,” the nephew pointed out.

“I know,” replied the uncle, “and I meant exactly what I said.”

A Navy officer was walking through the crew’s quarters of an air craft carrier when he chanced upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the table.

“Sailor!” the officer boomed. “Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?”

“No sir,” replied the sailor, “but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either!”

Billy listened as Grandpa lamented about the good ole days, and how the cost of living was so much lower.

“When I was about your age, my mother would send me to the store. I would get a pound of hamburger, a quart of milk, 2 oranges, a loaf of bread, and a magazine for only a dollar!”

Then Grandpa conceded, “Sadly, you can’t do that any more. They got those blasted security cameras everywhere.”

Puss Sucker Joe lived in New York city. He had learned his trade from his father and still practiced it, even in these modern times. He knew all of the in’s and out’s of how to suck a boil clean of all it’s nasty puss and other ingredients. Joe was actually quite successful at this occupation. He received plenty of business by advertising online, getting referrals, and of course word of mouth advertising.

One day Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil and was in need of his services.

Joe informed the woman that he would be happy to help, and that his standard fee was $50.00. The woman agreed, set up an appointment, and gave directions to her home.

Upon arriving at the woman’s house, he told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it posthaste.

The woman explained to Joe that the boil was in an extremely sensitive area of her body, about an inch below her crotch on the inner thigh.

Joe replied, “No problem, but that will be another $20.00”.

She agreed, but then told Joe that there might be another problem. She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period.

Joe explained, “That’s OK too, but there will be an additional $30.00 fee.”

Again, she agreed, and Joe finally got down to performing his service.

Five minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn’t help herself and let loose a thunderous fart.

His mouth dripping with puss, Joe pulled away from his task and exclaimed, “What the hell, lady? Are you trying to make me sick?”

A used car salesman was having a little trouble selling a particular car to a young man.

Finally the salesman said, “I’ll tell you what. If you buy this car, you can have that cute blonde in my office for the rest of the afternoon.”

So the young man bought the car and took the blonde out to Lover’s Lane. As he put his arm around her, he whispered something into her ear.

“Oh, no!” she replied, “You already got that when you bought this car!”

Several women appeared in court. Each one was accusing the others of causing trouble in the apartment building where they lived.

Their cackling and bickering filled the courtroom until the judge was forced to use his gavel. With Solomon-like wisdom, the judge stated, “I’ll hear from the oldest woman first.”

After a prolonged silence, the case was dismissed.