“Congratulations, Johnny!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow, Uncle Marcus,” the nephew pointed out.

“I know,” replied the uncle, “and I meant exactly what I said.”

A Navy officer was walking through the crew’s quarters of an air craft carrier when he chanced upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the table.

“Sailor!” the officer boomed. “Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?”

“No sir,” replied the sailor, “but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either!”

Billy listened as Grandpa lamented about the good ole days, and how the cost of living was so much lower.

“When I was about your age, my mother would send me to the store. I would get a pound of hamburger, a quart of milk, 2 oranges, a loaf of bread, and a magazine for only a dollar!”

Then Grandpa conceded, “Sadly, you can’t do that any more. They got those blasted security cameras everywhere.”

Puss Sucker Joe lived in New York city. He had learned his trade from his father and still practiced it, even in these modern times. He knew all of the in’s and out’s of how to suck a boil clean of all it’s nasty puss and other ingredients. Joe was actually quite successful at this occupation. He received plenty of business by advertising online, getting referrals, and of course word of mouth advertising.

One day Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil and was in need of his services.

Joe informed the woman that he would be happy to help, and that his standard fee was $50.00. The woman agreed, set up an appointment, and gave directions to her home.

Upon arriving at the woman’s house, he told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it posthaste.

The woman explained to Joe that the boil was in an extremely sensitive area of her body, about an inch below her crotch on the inner thigh.

Joe replied, “No problem, but that will be another $20.00”.

She agreed, but then told Joe that there might be another problem. She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period.

Joe explained, “That’s OK too, but there will be an additional $30.00 fee.”

Again, she agreed, and Joe finally got down to performing his service.

Five minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn’t help herself and let loose a thunderous fart.

His mouth dripping with puss, Joe pulled away from his task and exclaimed, “What the hell, lady? Are you trying to make me sick?”

A used car salesman was having a little trouble selling a particular car to a young man.

Finally the salesman said, “I’ll tell you what. If you buy this car, you can have that cute blonde in my office for the rest of the afternoon.”

So the young man bought the car and took the blonde out to Lover’s Lane. As he put his arm around her, he whispered something into her ear.

“Oh, no!” she replied, “You already got that when you bought this car!”

Several women appeared in court. Each one was accusing the others of causing trouble in the apartment building where they lived.

Their cackling and bickering filled the courtroom until the judge was forced to use his gavel. With Solomon-like wisdom, the judge stated, “I’ll hear from the oldest woman first.”

After a prolonged silence, the case was dismissed.

A bear walked into a bar, held out a twenty, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender took the twenty, mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the bear, and handed the bear a few coins in change.

After a few minutes, the bartender remarked, “You know, I think you are the first bear I’ve ever seen in this bar!”

The bear looked at the change in his paw and said, “And at these prices, I’ll be the last bear you’ll ever see in this bar too.”

Justin crawled into the police station pleading for help. The officers on duty immediately tried to administer first aide, but could find no apparent injury. They helped him into an office, sat him down in a chair, and asked him what happened.

“My wife tried to kill me…” he stammered as one of the officers began taking notes. “We were sitting in the living room, talking about what to do if the unthinkable ever happened. I told her, ‘Dear, I don’t want to be kept alive on machines and liquids. If you see me in a vegetative state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive.'”

Justin continued, “It was then that my wife got up from the sofa and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable,
the DVD player, my computer, and my Xbox. If that wasn’t bad enough, she went into the fridge and tossed out all of my beer!”