It has long been established some women fake orgasms. The reasons vary from signaling fidelity, to mate retention, to hurrying things along so they can wrap up another disappointing affair.

While some men would rather not question whether or not an orgasm is being faked, it may be important to know whether she finds you to be a stud she is truly wild about, or a pathetic creature who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would like to know, here are a few things you can try to determine whether or not she is faking:

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she’s been looking at. If she says, “Dammit, I was reading that!” she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can’t be concentrating enough on the “job at hand,” and must therefore be faking it. Either that or she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. Stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, “Mmm, you were wonderful, baby,” she is faking it. If she says, “Don’t stop!” she probably isn’t. However, if she says “Don’t stop!” hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

It is possible to deduce the zodiac sign of a new sex partner by the first thing they say after coitus.

Aries: OK, let’s do it again.

Taurus: I’m hungry. Pass me the pizza.

Gemini: Have you seen the remote?

Cancer: When are we getting married?

Leo: Wasn’t I fantastic?

Virgo: I need to wash the sheets.

Libra: I liked it if you liked it.

Scorpio: Perhaps I should untie you.

Sagittarius: Don’t call me – I’ll call you.

Capricorn: Do you have a business card?

Aquarius: Now let’s try with our clothes off.

Pisces: What did you say your name was again?

A threesome is the term used for three people having sex.

A twosome is the term for two people having sex.

By extrapolation it should become obvious why people call you handsome.

The lady of the house sat in the study with tears streaming down her cheeks. Upon entering the room her maid knelt by her side and tried to comfort her.

“Oh Marie,” the woman said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”

“I don’t believe it for one minute,” snapped the maid. “You are just saying that to make me jealous!”

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time, but a few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trips.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to do that again!” said the first guy. “Since we’ve been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night long. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

“I hear ya, buddy,” the second guy replied. “My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we’ve been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light, hit me hard’. I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

“You guys think you have it bad?!” exclaimed the third guy. “My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”

Three old friends with a hearing loss were out taking a walk.

One remarked to the other, “It’s windy today, ain’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”

The third man chimed in, “Me too. Let’s head to the bar and have a few beers.”

Maria ran into the room sobbing, “Mama, Mama! The man I love just told me he was an atheist! How can I marry a man who doesn’t believe in hell?”

Maria’s mother comforted her and said, “Dear little one, If you truly love him, marry him anyway, and together you and I will show him just how wrong he is.”

Outside the UN in New York City, a pollster was attempting to take a survey on a local topic.

Four men walked by: a Saudi, an Ethiopian, a North Korean, and a resident New Yorker. The pollster cleared his throat and said to the men, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage.”

The Saudi replied, “What is a shortage?”

The Ethiopian asked, “What is meat?”

The North Korean queried, “What is an opinion?”

The New Yorker responded, “What is ‘Excuse me?'”