If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will entertain you.

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?’

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!’

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!’

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (In my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um… um… masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just… just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just that… I’m picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…” She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $ 50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

A blonde went to her doctor and explained to him, “I need bigger birth control pills.”

The surprised doctor remarked, “You mean stronger?”

“No. Bigger, please,” insisted the blonde.

“I’ll see what I can do,” replied the doctor, “but why bigger?”

“Because the ones you prescribed me keep falling out.”

Why is Santa’s parking always free?

It’s on the house.

Did you know that Santa is epileptic?

He seizures when you’re sleeping.

Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

― The Oldest Rater

A woman was angry. Her husband was coming home late again, so she left a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid underneath the bed to watch his reaction.

Soon the husband came home. She heard him in the kitchen before he came to the bedroom. She saw him walk up to the dresser and pick up the note.

He stopped for a minute. Grabbed a pen, wrote something down on the note. He picked up the phone and called someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up the phone, grabbed his keys, and walked out the door.

She heard the car drive off as she held back tears and came out from underneath the bed. She seethed with rage and grabbed the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”

A fundamentalist Baptist minister gave in to temptation and propositioned the choir director after practice one night when no one else was left in the church.

Also giving in to her temptation, the choir director eagerly asked, “Where should we do it?”

“Right here on the floor!” panted the Reverend.

“But the bare floor is so cold,” she lamented. “How about standing up?”

“Good lord, girl! Have you taken leave of your senses?” shouted the minister. “What if someone happened to come in? They’d think we were dancing!”

It has long been established some women fake orgasms. The reasons vary from signaling fidelity, to mate retention, to hurrying things along so they can wrap up another disappointing affair.

While some men would rather not question whether or not an orgasm is being faked, it may be important to know whether she finds you to be a stud she is truly wild about, or a pathetic creature who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would like to know, here are a few things you can try to determine whether or not she is faking:

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she’s been looking at. If she says, “Dammit, I was reading that!” she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can’t be concentrating enough on the “job at hand,” and must therefore be faking it. Either that or she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. Stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, “Mmm, you were wonderful, baby,” she is faking it. If she says, “Don’t stop!” she probably isn’t. However, if she says “Don’t stop!” hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

It is possible to deduce the zodiac sign of a new sex partner by the first thing they say after coitus.

Aries: OK, let’s do it again.

Taurus: I’m hungry. Pass me the pizza.

Gemini: Have you seen the remote?

Cancer: When are we getting married?

Leo: Wasn’t I fantastic?

Virgo: I need to wash the sheets.

Libra: I liked it if you liked it.

Scorpio: Perhaps I should untie you.

Sagittarius: Don’t call me – I’ll call you.

Capricorn: Do you have a business card?

Aquarius: Now let’s try with our clothes off.

Pisces: What did you say your name was again?

A threesome is the term used for three people having sex.

A twosome is the term for two people having sex.

By extrapolation it should become obvious why people call you handsome.

The lady of the house sat in the study with tears streaming down her cheeks. Upon entering the room her maid knelt by her side and tried to comfort her.

“Oh Marie,” the woman said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”

“I don’t believe it for one minute,” snapped the maid. “You are just saying that to make me jealous!”