Henry awoke the day after an office party with a splitting headache and a horrible case of cotton-mouth

Completely unable to recall the events of the night before, he made his way downstairs where his wife was making breakfast.

“What happened last night, Olivia?” moaned Henry. “Was it as bad as I think it was?”

“Worse,” scorned his wife. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors, and insulted the CEO right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole anyway!” Henry snorted. “Piss on him!”

“You did,” Olivia explained, “and then he fired you.”

“Oh bloody hell!” Henry scoffed. “Fuck that guy!”

“I did,” Olivia replied. “You start back to work on Monday.”

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation was harmful.

“Not usually,” answered the doctor. “Not unless you do it too often.”

“How about three times a day?” the patient asked.

“That seems a little excessive,” the doctor muttered. “Why don’t you get a girlfriend?”

“I already have a girlfriend,” the patient replied.

“I meant a girl you can live with and have sex with.” explained the doctor.

The patient replied, “I got one just like that!”

Puzzled, the doctor asked, “Then why do you masturbate three times a day?”

The patient explained, “Because she won’t have sex during mealtime!”

A golfer hit his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he went to retrieve it, a very grumpy man came out of the house and yelled, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!'”

The golfer replied, “I am very sorry. I did not see your sign. That is my ball there. May I please have it?”

The angry man snarled, “It is in my yard, so it is my ball now!”

The golfer apologized again and said, “I understand.” Without complaint, he went back to his golf cart, pulled out another golf ball, walked backed, and threw the ball into the yard.

The grumpy man asked, “What did you do that for?”

“I consider myself a gentleman,” explained the golfer. “And I believe every prick should have two balls.”

Out in a pasture, four bulls were indulging in a bull session.

The first bull proclaimed, “I shall go to Rome and become a Papal bull.”

The second bull added to the exchange, “I shall get a job in a brokerage office and become a Wall Street bull.”

The third bull chimed in, “I am determined to move to China and open my own little shop.”

“That all sounds well and good,” nodded the fourth bull cheerfully, “Go out into the world if you will, but I love it right here and intend to stay for heifer and heifer and heifer!”

While recovering from an operation. a nun walked in to cheer up an ailing patient. During their conversation the patient mentioned his wife and 13 children.

“My, my,” remarked the nun, “13 children! I’m sure the Lord is pleased that you have raise a proper Catholic family. Many blessings be upon you!”

“I’m sorry, Sister,” he said, “But I am a Protestant, not Catholic.”

The nun scowled and remarked, “Quite the little sex maniac then, aren’t you?”

A drunk approached the party’s hostess and inquired, “Excuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you?'”

With a perplexed look, the hostess replied, “No, we just have the plain white toilet paper.”

“Oh, then I’m terribly sorry,” said the drunk. “I think I may have wiped my ass with your parrot.”

Tom was explaining to his friend Barry, “It’s incredible! My new girlfriend can manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it feels just like I’m getting a blow job!”

“That’s funny,” remarked Barry. “My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her mouth to sound like a cunt.”

We are sorry to report that the “Energizer Bunny”, a popular character seen in commercials, has died.

It was confirmed by a spokesman for the company that the bunny had died of a heart attack brought on by excessive sexual stimulation.

Apparently someone had put the batteries in backwards and the bunny just kept coming and coming and coming…