While recovering from an operation. a nun walked in to cheer up an ailing patient. During their conversation the patient mentioned his wife and 13 children.
“My, my,” remarked the nun, “13 children! I’m sure the Lord is pleased that you have raise a proper Catholic family. Many blessings be upon you!”
“I’m sorry, Sister,” he said, “But I am a Protestant, not Catholic.”
The nun scowled and remarked, “Quite the little sex maniac then, aren’t you?”
A drunk approached the party’s hostess and inquired, “Excuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you?'”
With a perplexed look, the hostess replied, “No, we just have the plain white toilet paper.”
“Oh, then I’m terribly sorry,” said the drunk. “I think I may have wiped my ass with your parrot.”
Tom was explaining to his friend Barry, “It’s incredible! My new girlfriend can manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it feels just like I’m getting a blow job!”
“That’s funny,” remarked Barry. “My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her mouth to sound like a cunt.”
We are sorry to report that the “Energizer Bunny”, a popular character seen in commercials, has died.
It was confirmed by a spokesman for the company that the bunny had died of a heart attack brought on by excessive sexual stimulation.
Apparently someone had put the batteries in backwards and the bunny just kept coming and coming and coming…
A blonde was complaining to her brunette friend, “I went to see a movie by myself last night, and I had a terrible experience with the men during the show!”
“No!” exclaimed her friend. “What happened? Did some guy try to get fresh with you?”
“I had to keep changing seats,” explained the blonde, “but eventually one did!”
After a few years of marriage, some ancient history came to light, and Jan began questioning her husband’s previous love interests.
“Listen, I know you’ve been with a lot of women,” said Jan. “I just want to know how many.”
Her husband, Bob looked as his wife with loving sympathy and explained, “Honey, I don’t want to upset you. There were many. Let’s just leave it a at that.”
Nevertheless, Jan continued to pressure Bob until he finally gave in…
“Let’s see,” he said, as he began counting on his fingers. “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine…”
A widower married a widow.
On the first night he reached over, took her hand and they fell asleep.
The second night he reached over and took her hand, again they fell asleep.
The third night he reached for her hand, and she said, “Not tonight dear, I have
a headache.”
A man called his doctor and said, “Doc, you gotta come over here quick! You see when my wife got out of the shower and bent over to pick up her towel, a mouse ran straight up her twat!”
The doctor said, “Okay, keep calm and hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina until I get over there.”
The doctor hung up the phone and drove over to the patient’s house. Upon his arrival, he went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese. The doctor said, “What do you think you’re doing? I said a piece of cheese!”
The man explained, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!”
