A young man excitedly told his mother that he had fallen in love and was going to get married.

“Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to show you a picture of 3 girls,” said the young man, “and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

As the mother nodded in agreement, the son took out a photograph of three young women, and showed it to her.

She immediately blurted out, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama! How did you know?”

The mother replied, “Because I don’t like her.”

As the car came to a stop on the edge of a lonely country road, the young woman remarked, “You aren’t going to pull that old ‘out of gas’ routine on me, are you?

“No,” said the fellow. “I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine.”

“What’s that?” she asked unwittingly.

“If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone.”

A Blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking along an island beach. One of them found a bottle and a genie popped out.

The genie said he would grant each of them one wish.

The blonde said, “I need to get off this island. I wish for a rowboat.”

With a flash, a rowboat appeared and she rushed it out into the water.

The redhead said, “I also need to get off this island, so I wish for a jet ski.”

With a flash, the jet ski appeared, and the redhead rushed it out into the water, overtaking the blonde.

The genie then turned to the brunette as she shook her head.

”I guess I’ll take a million dollars,” said the brunette, “and just use the bridge to get back home.”

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”

“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”

“I object!” the defense said again.

“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”

The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”

So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”

Phil bought his wife a piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, his buddy asked how she was doing with it.

“I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet,” said Phil.

“How come?” asked his friend.

“Well,” he answered, “when she plays the clarinet, she can’t sing.”

A young man sat down at the bar and order 6 shots of whisky.

“6 shots?!?” cried the bartender. “Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah. My first blowjob.”

As the bartender started pouring the shots he said, “In that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “If 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

The day finally came that Private Johnson was to be honorably discharged from the military.

“I suppose now that you’ve got your honorable discharge,” snarled his company commander, “you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”

“No Sir!” the soldier replied. “I don’t want to spend that much time standing in line.”

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

Agnes went to the store to buy some toilet paper. She was a bit overwhelmed by the selection and asked a clerk for assistance. “So what are all these different options on all these toilet papers?” she asked.

The clerk explained, “Well some of them have ripples to help clean better, some have two ply for added strength, some have built in lotion for softness…”

“That’s all good and well, but I’m living on a fixed income. Which one is the cheapest?” asked Agnes.

“Here you go, Ma’am,” said the clerk as he handed Agnes a roll of tissue.

“And what brand is this?” She asked skeptically.

“It’s our store brand,” explained the clerk. “It doesn’t really have a name.”

Agnes bought the toilet paper and took it home. A week later she was back at the grocery shopping and ran into the clerk from the week before.

“I think I’ve got the perfect name for that toilet paper you sold me,” said Agnes. “You should call it John Wayne.”

“And why is that?” asked the clerk.

Agnes replied, “Because it’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take shit off of nobody!”