Phil bought his wife a piano for her birthday.
A few weeks later, his buddy asked how she was doing with it.
“I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet,” said Phil.
“How come?” asked his friend.
“Well,” he answered, “when she plays the clarinet, she can’t sing.”
A young man sat down at the bar and order 6 shots of whisky.
“6 shots?!?” cried the bartender. “Are you celebrating something?”
“Yeah. My first blowjob.”
As the bartender started pouring the shots he said, “In that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”
“No thanks,” said the young man. “If 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
The day finally came that Private Johnson was to be honorably discharged from the military.
“I suppose now that you’ve got your honorable discharge,” snarled his company commander, “you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”
“No Sir!” the soldier replied. “I don’t want to spend that much time standing in line.”
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
Agnes went to the store to buy some toilet paper. She was a bit overwhelmed by the selection and asked a clerk for assistance. “So what are all these different options on all these toilet papers?” she asked.
The clerk explained, “Well some of them have ripples to help clean better, some have two ply for added strength, some have built in lotion for softness…”
“That’s all good and well, but I’m living on a fixed income. Which one is the cheapest?” asked Agnes.
“Here you go, Ma’am,” said the clerk as he handed Agnes a roll of tissue.
“And what brand is this?” She asked skeptically.
“It’s our store brand,” explained the clerk. “It doesn’t really have a name.”
Agnes bought the toilet paper and took it home. A week later she was back at the grocery shopping and ran into the clerk from the week before.
“I think I’ve got the perfect name for that toilet paper you sold me,” said Agnes. “You should call it John Wayne.”
“And why is that?” asked the clerk.
Agnes replied, “Because it’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take shit off of nobody!”
An old man on his deathbed told his friend, “Frank, I want you to promise me that after I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what shall I do with your ashes?” asked Frank.
The old man said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service with a note on it that says, ‘Now you have everything.’”
Mrs. Banker was in her late 90’s and lived next door to the Peterson’s.
Being concerned about the aged widow, Mrs. Peterson told her young daughter, “Dear, would you please go next door and see how old Mrs. Banker is today?”
The young girl went over to see Mrs. Banker and not even a moment later she was back to tell her mother, “Mrs. Banker told me to tell you, it’s none of your business how old she is.”
Two small boys met during their first day at school.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”
“Honest?” gasped Billy.
“No, just the normal kind,” replied Tommy.
