Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives. Sue said, “Mine’s OK. We get it on every week, but it’s no big adventure. How’s yours?” Sally replied, “It’s great ever since we got into S&M.” Sue was surprised. “Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you’d go for that.” “Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while…
Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy…i just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
Mother says: “ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”
Billy says: “works for ketchup.”

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mum’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mum.”
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items.”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said
You’d be paying for her things, too.”
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don’t trust Little Old Ladies!!!

A young man on the farm came out of his room one morning, and asked his mom, “What’s for breakfast?”.
She said, “You know you don’t eat until the stock’s taken care of. You can eat when you get back in.”
The boy left in a huff, and his mom watched him as he fed the stock. He kicked the pigs when fed them; he kicked the chickens when he fed them, and he kicked the cattle when he fed them.
He came back in and saw a bowl of dry cereal on the table. He asked if that was all he got for breakfast.
His mom said, “I saw you when you kicked the pigs, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. I saw you when you kicked the chickens, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you when you kicked the cows, so you don’t get any milk for a week.”
About that time, his dad comes out of the bedroom and kicks the cat out of his way. The son looks at his mom, and says, “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”
The man on the phone responded, “This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed.”
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold Winter.”
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”
Happy Monday.

Little Johnny leaves school and is looking for a job so he goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
Little Johnny says “Yeah. I sold my bike and all my toys.”
The boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?”
Little Johnny frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.
The boss says “just one?!!? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here . One sale a day is not acceptable so you’ll have to improve.”
Little Johnny took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
Little Johnny looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.
The boss was astonished and says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
Little Johnny says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. I then asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
Little Johnny smiled and said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s screwed, perhaps you should go fishing.‘

So proud of my daughter. This is what she says to me.

Daughter: Mom

Me: What?

Daughter: I got a joke for you.

Me: ok. Let’s here it

Daughter: Say Mark Twains initials and point to your head.

Me: M.T. points to head (realization what had just happened

Me: get out of my face

Daughter runs to her room dying laughing

What kind of monster did I create?