A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do: First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.” The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 – but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is..”

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!” He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth.

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached
into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now” she said “Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way” he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
“Go look in the garage.”

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch

There once was a guy who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
“If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.”
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can’t kill two birds with one stone!!

A husband and wife were sitting on the front porch one afternoon, enjoying the cool breeze and sunset.
As they say there, a small spaceship landed in the yard, and an alien man and woman stepped off, came up to the porch and introduced themselves.
After chatting for a while, the alien woman looks at the alien man, and says, “Should we ask them?”
The alien man shrugs and says, “Sure, why not?”
The alien woman looked at the couple and said, “We were wondering what sex was like with humans, and thought you might like to swap partners for the night to see what sex is like with us.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do you think?”
The wife said, “I don’t know. We’ve never done anything like this before, but it might be fun. I guess we can if you want to.”
So the alien man and human woman go in one bedroom, and the man and the alien woman go in another.
As the alien man gets undressed, the woman noticed his penis and gasped. The alien man looked down and said, “Is something wrong?”
She said, “No, no. I’m sorry. It’s just here on earth they’re usually a little bigger.”
He said, “Oh. No problem.” He reaches up, pulls his right ear, and the penis grows out to about 7 inches long. “How’s that?”
“That’s fine, but there usually a little thicker.”
“No problem.” He reaches up, pulls the left ear, and it thickens up.
“That’s perfect!”
The couples spent the night together and came out for breakfast the next morning. After eating and visiting a bit more, the alien couple thanked the humans for the evening, said their goodbyes, and flew off.
The husband asked the wife what she thought.
She said, “It was fun and different, but I don’t care to do anything like that again. How about you? How’d you like it.”
He said, “Well, it was fun, but she damn near pulled my ears off!”

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said “morning”. He said “No, just taking a shit”.

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and then prayed for forgiveness.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out “get this out of me? Give me the drugs”. She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you fucker,” I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said “Oh no, it’ll be too painful.”

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me “Because I am trying to examine you.”

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s the fuckin matter Abdul, it won’t start! .”

6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said “Make love to me like in the movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She was a little upset. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

An 85 year old grandma lived so far out in the country she had a jackass for burglar alarm. Anyway last weekend grandma got stopped for speeding by the highway patrol.

OFFICER: Ma’am your driver’s license says you have a right to carry permit. Do you have a weapon with you right now?

GRANDMA: Yes sir. I have a 357 Magnum in the glove box, there is a 32 revolver in my purse, I have a 22 in my dress pocket and just for Grins and Giggles there is a fully loaded AR-47 in the trunk.

OFFICER: OH MY GOD LADY! That is a lot of Firepower. What on Earth are you so afraid of?

GRANDMA: Not a damn thing!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.

A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.

The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”.

The girl replies “Aww you sweet old man!” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says “Two-nil motherfucker, your turn”.