A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.

He goes up to the madam and says, “Madam, I’d like a woman for the evening.”

The Madam says, “Sir, I’m afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you’d care to, I’m available.”

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he’s only two inches long. Just then the guy says, “Rise, Caesar!” And his erection grows to a full 12 inches.

They have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed. “Sir,” she says, “this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you’d mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You’re really something special, you know.”

But the young man says, “No, madam, no. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “D d d doc, I’ve bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII’m tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?

The doctor says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”

So he examines him and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy says, “Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords…”

The guy says, “Wwwat cccan we ddo?” The doctor advises, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”

The guy says, “Dddeal…..Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on”

The doctor says, “P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal’s a dddeal.”

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

Margret noticed that her friend Karen was quite agitated. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Well,” said Karen, “I met a guy at the club last night. He was kind of attractive and we sort of hit it off, so I invited him home.”

“Did you sleep with him?” Margret pried.

“Well, yeah,” said Karen, “and we had some pretty freaky sex too, but then he crossed the line and called me a slut!”

“Oh no!” exclaimed Margret. “What did you do?”

“I did what any self-respecting woman would do,” said Karen. “I told him to get the fuck out of my home and take his five biker friends with him!”

7 year old Bobby went up to his father and innocently asked, “Dad, what does ‘gay’ mean?”

“It means joyful or happy,” replied his father.

“Dad, are you gay?” inquired Bobby.

“No son,” said the dad, “I’m married to your mother.”

A businessman arrived home form work about 6pm. He was barely through the door when his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss. She pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blow job.

Not daring to interrupt her, he waited until he had gotten off in a mighty explosion, which she slurped up eagerly and swallowed.

He fondly looked at her and asked, “All right, dear, what did you do to the car this time?”

Karen and Mindy had just got back from lunch. As she walked into her cubical, Karen spied a large box of roses on her desk. She let out an audible “Oh fuck!” under her breath.

“What’s the matter?” said Mindy. “Don’t you like getting flowers?”

“Oh sure,” says Karen, “but my boyfriend always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

Mindy replies, “Geez Karen, don’t you have a vase?”

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”

“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.

“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that silly smirk off your face.”

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm.

Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.

“In my day,” grumbled Gramps, “we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.”

“But grandpa,” replied the grandson, “that is a whore’s shoe.”