The 4th grade teacher noticed that Derick had been daydreaming, so she decided to get his attention.

“Derick,” she said, “if the world is 24,901 miles around and eggs are two dollars a dozen, how old am I?”

“Thirty-four,” Derick answered unhesitatingly.

The astonished teacher replied, “Pretty good. That’s not far from my actual age. So tell me, how did you guess?”

“It was simple,” Derick said, “My older sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react: thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

An older gentleman went before the township counsel. As he cleared his throat, he began to speak, “I would like the members of the counsel to consider removing the deer crossing sign on Old Creek Road next to my property.”

One of the counsel members remarked, “Well if I’m not mistaken, there is a significant deer population in that area.”

“I’m not arguing that,” replied the man. “I just want the sign removed.”

“But there have been several deer strikes on that road in the past year…” a third counsel member began.

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” injected the old man. “Move the signs someplace else, because if the deer keep crossing there, they will keep getting run over!”

John sighed to his coworker, “The thrill is gone from my marriage”

“Why not have an affair, and add some intrigue into your life,” replied his workmate.

“But what if my wife finds out?” asked John.

“Heck. It’s 2015! Go home and tell her about it first.”

So the John went home and said to his wife, “Karin, I think if I have an affair, it will bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” said Karen. “I’ve tried that already, and it didn’t work.”

A woman had been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love. To her shock and horror, she saw that he was using a strap on dildo.

The woman was very upset, “Honey, how could you do this? Explain yourself immediately!”

The husband replied, “OK, I’ll explain why I’m using the strap on after you explain our three kids.”

A young man moved to the country and bought a farm. He planned to start with just a few animals so he walked to the local market.

When he arrived at the market, he went to a stall which had hens for sale. He asked the merchant “How much for that hen?”

The merchant quoted him a price, and the young man accepted. As the merchant handed over the bird, he told the newcomer, “Around here we call them pullets.”

Next, the man went to a stall which had several roosters for sale. He asked the merchant “How much for a rooster?”

The merchant quoted him a price and again the young man accepted the price.

As the merchant handed over the fowl, he politely informed the man, “In these parts, we call these cockerels, or just plain cocks for short.”

The man walked around for a while carrying his new purchases under his arms. He soon became tired and dreaded the long walk home.
It was then that he spotted a stall with a donkey. He approached the merchant and asked “How much for the donkey?”

The merchant quoted him a price and tells him, “Before I sell you this animal, I need to tell you a few things. First, around here we call this animal an ass. Also, this particular ass is very stubborn. He may go along for a while, then stop. The only way you can get him going again is to scratch him between his ears.”

The new farmer does not see a problem with this and purchases the animal. He gets on his ass, while the merchant handed the man his previous purchases. With a gentle kick, the man headed for home.

Sure enough, the man got about half way back home and the ass stopped dead in his tracks. The young man wasn’t quite sure what to do, as he could not scratch the animal without letting go of one of his birds!

Luckily he was approached by a young woman traveling the same way. Wanting to make sure he made a good impression, he was very careful to use the local language:

“Excuse me, Miss? Could I bother you to hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”

The woman heard the front door opening, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But… but you’ve got no clothes on!” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “Those little bastards!”

One day, a man was out playing golf. As usual, he was having a terrible game. On the 10th hole, he shanks his ball deep into the woods. He went stumbling through the thick brush until he found his ball. There sitting on a rock beside it is a leprechaun.

The man said to the leprechaun, “Now that I found you, doesn’t that mean you must grant me a wish”.

The little fellow says “Sure, if that’s what you want, but I must warn you, there is always a price to pay even for a wish.”

The golfer said, “That’s OK. The only wish I have is to be a really great golfer.”

The leprechaun said, “Fine, but it will ruin you sex life”.

The golfer doesn’t care and accepts the terms.

The golfer then continued on with his game and had a fantastic round. He entered a few local tournaments and won, and went on to become a highly raked amateur.

About a year later he was playing the same course again and suddenly, on the 10th hole he hooks his ball into the same woods. Sure enough, there is the same little fellow waiting beside his ball.

The leprechaun asked him,” Well, how are you enjoying your wish?”

The golfer said, “It has been really great, I’m having the time of my life!”

Then the leprechaun asked, “Aye, but how is your sex life?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve only had sex 2 or 3 times in the past year.”

The leprechaun smiled and said, “See, I told you it would ruin your sex life!”

But the golfer said “Gee, I don’t know, 2 or 3 times is pretty good for a priest with a small parish like mine!”

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.”

Too late he noticed a beautiful woman sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s okay,” the woman replied, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”

Krissy was showing off her new tattoo to a small group of friends. It was a giant sea shell on her inner thigh.

Her friend Melissa asked, “Why did you get that tattoo in such a weird location?”

Krissy merely replied, “It’s actually really cool. If you put your left ear up to it, you can smell the ocean!”