During the Lamaze class, the teacher said, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial during your pregnancy. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room got really quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.
“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She greets him, “Hello.”
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he asks, “Do you know me?”
She replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he exclaims, “My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and replies calmly, “No, I’m your son’s 4th grade teacher.”
So Jimmy is a new character, and he’s French. I’m not gonna lie to you… I don’t actually know any French, so let’s hope that Google Translate doesn’t make me look too stupid.
Oh, and Happy Halloween!
Old Agnes was a little distraught as she phoned her doctor.
“Is it true,” asked Agnes, “that the medication you just prescribed for me has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“I’m afraid so, Agnes,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before Agnes replied, “Well then just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
It was a pleasant autumn day as Earl and Bubba were quietly sitting behind a duck blind while drinking a few beers.
Out of the blue, Bubba suddenly said, “I think my marriage is finished, Earl. I might have to divorce Mary Sue.”
“Why’s that?” responded Earl.
Bubba sighed, “She ain’t spoke a word to me in over 2 months.”
With a thousand yard stare, Earl took a slow sip of his beer and said, “You better re-think that divorce, Bubba. Women like that are pretty hard to find.”
One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better
Three guys were sitting at the bar.
The first guy said, “You know, I’m really lucky. When my wife makes love, she’s like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions.”
The second guy said, “I’m lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She’s got the most talented hands you can imagine.”
No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy, “George how’s your wife in bed?”
George took a sip of his beer, then replied, “I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player.”
“A chess player?” the other two said in unison.
“Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves.”
A handsome construction worker had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he casually rolled over and lit a cigarette.
His self-satisfied smile quickly vanished when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, “You may look like Mel Gibson, but you’re lousy in the sack.”
The indignantly fellow replied, “Well I don’t see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!”
So it’s been a long running gag that Dewey has a bad case of Dunning-Kruger with regards to his culinary ability. Since Birdie has a lot of what it takes to get along, perhaps there’s a way to change that.
A man at work received a visit from the local police informing him of some tragic news.
The officers informed him that a home invasion had just taken place in his house. The perpetrator tied up his wife, ransacked the house for valuables, drank all of the alcohol in the refrigerator, and then raped his wife before fleeing.
A moment of silence passed. With his head in his hands he finally said, “I can’t believe someone could screw my wife after only five beers!”
