A little boy came down to breakfast. His mother served him a bowl of dry cereal.

“Why do I just have a bowl of cereal?” asked the boy.

“Well,” his mother said, “Yesterday I saw you kick a chicken so you don’t get any eggs, I saw you kick a pig so you don’t get any bacon, and I saw you kick a cow so you don’t get any milk either.”

Just then his father walked into the kitchen, and he kicked the cat as he passed.

The little boy looked up at his mother and said, “You gonna tell him, or should I?”

“I must be huntin’ treasure, ’cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.”

“Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.”

“See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.”

“Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin’?”

“Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded.”

“I’ve hidden booty all over the Caribbean — but never have I seen one like yours!”

“That’s NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!”

“That’s a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there.”

“My peg-leg’s ribbed for your pleasure.”

“Why not climb my main mast and I’ll visit your crow’s nest.”

A young miss attending St. Mary’s Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette when the local priest, walked by.

The father gave her a glare. “Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren’t you ashamed?”

“Why?” asked Jill. “Do you know something better to do after sex?”

One morning Mary’s husband got up very early before his wife because he had an early business flight to catch.

Sleepily Mary kissed him good morning.

He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of breakfast.”

Excited, Mary practically jumped for joy and said, “Really? You’re kidding, right? You never help with breakfast. Then again, you’re never awake this early. Oh boy! Do I get breakfast in bed?”

“Sure,” replied he husband. “If you’ll make the toast and pour the coffee, breakfast will be ready.”

“Alright!” she said as she hurried out of bed to put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. “What are we having for breakfast?”

“Toast and coffee.”

After exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Angie was doing “fairly well” for her age.

A little concerned about that comment, she couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to see 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?”

“Oh no,” Angie replied. “I’m not doing any drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

Angie replied, “Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Well, do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or perhaps bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” she said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive motorcycles or fast cars, or have lots of sex?”

“No!” Angie said in an exasperated tone.

He looked at her and said, “Then, why do you give a shit?”

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by a three rotations in jackknife position,where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said,” That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house, a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

Regards,
The Schoolmaster

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “This is a crock of shit, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may bide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how shit happens!

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies”. He asked, “How many have forgiven their enemies?”

About half held up their hands.

He then asked, “How many of you know that you’re supposed to forgive them?”

Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then asked, “Now how many of you are going to make it a point to go out and forgive your enemies?”

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive you enemies?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety three.” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, turned, and said: “It’s quite easy really. I just outlived those bitches!”