On a passenger flight, the pilot came over the public address system to greet the passengers. He told them the altitude they’d be flying, expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and then told them to relax and enjoy the flight.

Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to the co-pilot and said, “What I could really go for right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.”

All the passengers heard it.

Mortified by what had just occurred, the stewardess began to run toward the cockpit to inform the pilot that his mic was still on.

As the stewardess rushed by, an elderly woman in an aisle seat shouted, “Don’t forget the coffee, honey!”

It seemed like a typical night for Tom as he crawled into bed, kissed his wife, and fell asleep.

Suddenly he awoke with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. “Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?” he asked.

“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”

“WHAT?! Are you saying, I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young,” said Tom. “I’m begging you, please send me back!”

“It’s not that simple,” said St. Peter. “If you choose to go back, you can only return as a hen.”

Tom thought about it for a second, and decided that being a hen was better than being dead. “Fine, I’ll go back as a hen,” Tom replied.

In the next second, he found himself nicely feathered in a chicken run, but now he felt like his rear end was going to explode. Along came the rooster. “Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.” he said. “How do you like it?”

“Well, it’s OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.”

“Oh that!” said the rooster. “That’s because you’re ovulating. I suppose you’ve never laid an egg before. Just cluck twice, and push all you can.”

Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for. There was a plop, and a fresh egg was deposited on the ground.

“Wow,” said Tom, “that’s amazing! It felt really good too!”

So he clucked again and squeezed, and there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife’s voice shout, “Tom, for Christ’s sake, wake up! You’re shitting all over the bed!”

Jim was a little worried. He’d never had a prostate exam before.

The doctor could tell Jim was a little nervous and assured Jim there was nothing to worry about.

Sheepishly, Jim took off his pants in preparation for the exam. “Where should I put my trousers?” he asked.

“Over there by mine,” said the doctor.

A woman went to her doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a strange problem I need your opinion on.”

“Could you describe the symptoms to me?” he asked.

“Well, it’s easier if I show you,” she said, then proceeded to hike her skirt and spread her legs to reveal two green circles on her inner thighs.

“They don’t hurt or anything,” she said, “but I am a little worried about them.”

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, “Are you a lesbian by any chance?”

Slightly embarrassed by the question she conceded, “Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?”

“It appears as though your girlfriend’s earrings aren’t real gold.”

A man invites a friend to watch his duck hunting dog at work.

They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.

At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.

At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters’ legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, “This means there are so many fucking ducks on that pond, he can’t even count them.”

It just so happened that Princess Di and Dolly Parton stood before the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter met them and told them that there was only one opening that day, so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opened her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and said, “Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates.”

Just then Princess Di pulled out a bottle of seltzer water, shook it, shoved it up her privates and let fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opened the gates and directed Princess Di to enter.

Dolly was incensed and said, “How could you let her enter before me? I show you these marvelous breasts, while she performed that obscene act!”

“Sorry Dolly,” said Saint Peter, “but a royal flush beats even the best pair any day.”

A woman went to the doctor complaining of knee pain.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questioned her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”

“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”

“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other positions to have sex.”

“Not if I’m going to watch TV, there ain’t,” she replied.

The cattle rancher had married a beautiful blonde. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher said to his wife, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. Please show him the cow when he gets here, OK?”

After she acknowledged that she understood, the rancher left to heard the cattle.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door.

The blonde took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when she saw the nail, she told him, “This is the one right here.”

The man, assuming he was dealing with an air head blonde, asked, “So tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how do you know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explained very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man said, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?”

Looking back as she walked away she said, “I guess it is to hang your pants on.”

Once upon a time in a secluded village, there was a restaurant that boasted they could serve any dish to anybody.

One day a man walked into the establishment and was seated. When the waiter presented a menu, the man waved it away and said, “I hear you promise to serve any dish to anybody. Is that true?”

The waiter assured him that was the case.

“I’d like a warm bucket of shit,” said the man in a clear and calm manner.

The waiter was shocked with disgust, but after receiving clarification to be sure their was no mistake, he took the order back to the kitchen.

The head chef was appalled, but curious to see where this was going. He went back to the mop closet and pulled out a galvanized bucket. He then approached each of the kitchen staff to drop-trou and contribute to the bucket.

With the ring of a bell the chef announced that the order was up, and the waiter presented the bucket to the patron.

The staff watched in horror from the kitchen door as the man fed spoonful after spoonful into his mouth and swallowed every lump of turd and runny juice of diarrhea. He even stuck his head into the bucket to lick the sides and bottom clean. After his meal, the strange man left a rather large sum of money to accommodate the “cooks”.

A week went by and the same man returned to request the same meal. Again the chef passed the bucket, and again the curious man gobbled down the poo. As before he left a hefty lump of cash to show his appreciation.

This continued week after week until it seemed almost routine. No one even gave it a thought when the bucket was passed around and it was their turn to shove out a log. All seemed to be well until one day when the waiter came back with a bucket of shit dumped over his head. There was shit streaming down his shirt and trousers as he stumbled back into the kitchen.

“Sacrebleu!” cried the chef. “What happen?”

The waiter wiped the shit from his eyes and face and said, “He found a hair in it.”

So, after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.”