A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse.
Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on.
Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.
Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!”

“So,” he continued, “from now on, we’re going to run this house the same way.
When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed
And when I say Bell #3, we’re going to make love all night!”

The wife seemed pretty agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled,
“Bell #1!”- The wife took off all her clothes.
“Bell #2!”- The wife jumped into bed.
“Bell #3!”- They began passionate loving.

After two minutes, the wife yelled, “Bell #4!”

The confused husband asked, “What the hell is Bell #4?”

“More hose!” she yelled, “You’re nowhere near the fire!”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were getting on an elevator.

As they walked in, they noticed a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.

The brunette bent down for a closer look and stated, “It looks like cum.”

The redhead stooped down a little closer, sniffed through her nose, and proclaimed, “Yes, and it smells like cum.”

The blonde put the tip of her finger into the puddle and touched it to her tongue, shugged, and said, “Well, it’s nobody from our building.”

At a family get-together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asked, “Dad, what does fornication mean?”

The father freaked out. “Where did you hear a word like that?” he demanded.

“From Uncle Charlie,” replied the son.

The father charged off to confront his brother-in-law.

Of course Charlie didn’t have a clue what the problem was and explained that all he said was, “For an occasion like this you’d think they would serve champagne.”

A man riding the bus was minding his own business when a gorgeous woman sat next to him and started breastfeeding her baby.

For some reason the baby wouldn’t nurse, so she said, “Come on sweetie, drink up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A moment later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor said to the defendant. “You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” said the defendant.

“Upon which,” continued the prosecutor, “you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” said the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

I don’t like that boyfriend, he’s rough, common, unemployed, and bloody stupid.”

“Oh, no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out 9 weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”

A priest was walking passed a group of 7th grade boys that were hanging out next to the church.

He stopped and asked, “What are you boys doing here?”

“Not much, Father,” said one of the boys. “We are playing a game in which whoever says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins!”

“Boys!” exclaimed the surprised priest. “When I was your age I didn’t even think about sex!”

Unanimously, the boys cheered and said, “Looks like you’ve won, Father!”

A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen!

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and answered, “Shore is, li’l lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankie, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever PAID me fer mah services before!”

“Don’t be flattered,” the woman replied. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!”

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner.

The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little old man slipped through the door.

He carried an umbrella, blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so, he still looked wet, freezing and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, “May I have two poppy-seed bagels to go, please?”

The baker replied in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”

“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Wendy.”

“And who is Wendy, your wife?” asked the baker.

“What do you think?” snapped the little man, “You think my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he laid off one of his employees.

He looked in his files and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the other named Jack.

Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire.

Finally he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired.

About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler.

He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, “Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I’m going to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill looked at her employer and said, “Well, you’re going to have to jack off. I have a headache.”