John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”

“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.”

“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.”

A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs aren’t green?”

The father replied, “It’s just a saying, son. It’s like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught ‘red handed’, even though their hands are actually black.”

A pub in Dublin was burning to the ground and firefighters rushed in to put out the fire.

When they got inside they found an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation.

They dragged him out of the bar, and eventually the man came to.

One of the firemen asked “Can you tell us how the fire got started?”

The Irishman replied, “How should I know? It was already burning when I walked in.”

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-nine-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

While sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman said a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asked.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Two men had been lost in the desert for weeks and were at death’s door. As they stumbled on, they suddenly noticed a tree off in the distance.

As they got closer, they saw that the tree was draped with bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, and even life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon.

“Oh my God!” said the first man. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” said the second.

So the first man ran up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food, but when he got within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly dropped to the ground and called across to the dying man, “What just happened?!”

With his dying breath the slain man called out, “It’s not a Bacon Tree… It’s a Ham Bush!”

A wealthy man in need of a heart transplant asked his doctor if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

“I do have three hearts available,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid. He was a nonsmoker, athletic swimmer with a great diet. Sadly, he hit his head on the bottom of the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000.

“The second is from a marathon runner. He was 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000.

“The third is from a heavy drinking cigar smoker who was also a steak lover. It’s $500,000.”

“Why is that heart so expensive?” asked the patient. “It sounds like he lived a terrible life!”

“Sure,” said the doctor, “but it’s from a lawyer, and so it’s never been used.”

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said “Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.”

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

“Harder” yelled Camilla.

“Harder?” Charles yelled back, “I’m trying darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!”

“Come on give it all you’ve got” she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, “Oh God that feels so good.”

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, “See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!”

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out “Oh god, darling this ones even tighter”

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen, “That’s my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!”

A plane was taking off from the Chicago airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 234, non-stop from Chicago to LA. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax- OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach yelled back, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

John was getting his haircut when he told the barber he was going to Rome on vacation the next day. “Who knows,” said John, “I might even get to meet the Pope!”

“You’ll never meet the Pope,” laughed the barber. “He doesn’t mix with common people anymore.”

“You never know,” said John. “Stranger things have happened.”

“Well, it won’t happen,” snapped the barber, “and I’m so sure of it, I’ll bet you $100 it won’t happen.”

John agreed to the bet, and two weeks later he returned to barber to get his hair cut and tell him about his vacation. “By the way,” said John, “you owe me $100,” and handed the barber a photo of himself standing next to the Pope.

“My God!” exclaimed the barber. “How did that happen?!”

“Well I was walking through St Peter’s Square,” began John, “when the Pope spotted me from his balcony and summoned me to the Vatican because he had a question to ask.”

The barber’s eyes were wide with amazement as he said, “Really? What did he ask you?”

“He said, ‘My son, where in God’s name did you get that terrible haircut?'”