One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I’.”

The Postman thought for a moment and said, “How do you play ‘Who Am I’?”

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the “family jewels” showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I”m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside.

Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.

The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows.

Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner.

Still, the man just keeps working away.

Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room.

The window washer still takes no notice of her.

Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.

At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”

An 90-year old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One Sunday the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.

The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April, and the teacher said, “very good.”

April fell back to sleep.

After a while the teacher asked April a third question.

“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”

Charlie came home dead tired from working another twelve-hour day and collapsed in bed.

As he was just about to fall asleep, his wife rolled over and said, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?”

He replied, “Don’t worry honey. I’d stay faithful!”

“Mr. Vandergelder, I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” the Matchmaker proclaimed with zeal.

“Don’t bother,” replied Mr. Vandergelder. “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’ Ms. Levi. I didn’t say they were mine.”

Sitting at the kitchen table, Sadie was bragging to Sophie about her daughter.

“My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” said Sadie.

Sophie sipped her coffee and politely nodded.

“She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”

Sophie’s gaze drifted to the side for a moment as she took a deep breath.

Sadie droned on, “Of course they also buy her beautiful jewelry and take her on expensive vacations…”

Having had enough, Sophie finally replied, “Yeah, you know my daughter’s a whore too.”

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds.

The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.

After three years of research at a costs in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the Australians (not really trusting British or French studies) decided to conduct their own study.

After nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of $75 (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

Hubert ran into his friend Jeremy after work. Jeremy seemed to be excited about this new brothel in town that he thought was absolutely brilliant!

“Why is it brilliant?” asked Hubert.

Jeremy explained, “Well, you go in there at 9:00 am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and then have all the sex you can cope with until 4:30 pm. Then they serve chocolate cake and coffee, and just as you leave, they give you $500 in your hand!”

“Sweet Jesus!” Hubert exclaimed. “Where is this place?”

“I don’t know,” said Jeremy, “but I’ll ask my wife tonight when she comes home.”

Chris was an ambitious young man who was finally being considered for membership at an exclusive country club. As part of his trial membership, he spent a day at the plush club playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddie.

Sadly, Chris was a bit of a hack golfer. He played poorly all day. Along the 18th hole, he spotted a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looked at the caddie and said, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddie looked back at him and said, “Actually, I’ve been watching you play, and I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”