A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302, and nobody around here tells me shit.”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.

“Actually, yes, I do.”

“Does it hurt you?” he asked.

“No. I rather like it.”

“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from?”

Mike had started seeing a therapist. During his initial session, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman. Mike confidently replied, “Big tits.”

“No, I meant for a serious relationship,” said the doctor.

Revising his answer, Mike said, “Oh, seriously big tits.”

“No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

Mike thought about it for a moment and said, “No woman’s tits are that big.”

A Jewish family was most concerned that their 30-year-old son was unmarried. So they called a marriage broker and asked her to find their son a good wife.

The broker came over to their house and spent a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they wanted in a wife/daughter-in-law. They gave her a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker took a long time looking, and finally asked to visit the family again. She told them of a wonderful woman she had found.

She said she was just the right age for the son, kept a Kosher home, a wonderful cook, loves children, wants a large family, and to crown it all off, she’s gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family was very impressed and began to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

At that point the son asked, “Is she also good in bed?”

“That I’m not sure,” the marriage broker replied. “Some say yes, some say no.”

The widow Sadie finally agreed to her daughter’s pleas to start seeing other people, and accepted an invitation from Morris.

Following a lovely dinner and a movie, Sadie went back to Morris’s house for coffee. It didn’t take long for one thing to lead to another, and soon they were in bed making passionate love.

Afterwards, Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my daughter knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”

“What do you mean ‘twice?'” Morris remarked. “We only did it once!”

Sadie looked back at Morris and replied, “Well, you’re going to do it again, aren’t you?”

A man was driving down a country road when his car sputtered to a stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, got out to see what was the matter, and noticed one of the cows looking at him.

“I believe it’s your radiator,” said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

“My engine broke down, and a cow just told me what’s wrong with my car!” he said as he frantically motioned back toward the field.

“Oh, that’s Ethel,” said the farmer. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”

Marvin was diligently walking home when he was accosted by a streetwalker.

She called out, “Hey buddy! How ’bout some relaxing oral sex? Only $50.”

“No way!” Marvin retorted. “I’m married!”

“So what difference does that make?” asked the harlot.

“The difference is,” said Marvin indignantly, “my wife will do it for only $25.”

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No, Ma’am. They’re dead.”