A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 O’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up and yelled, “Oh no! That must be my husband!”

Panicked and naked, the man leaped from the bed. After grabbing his shirt and trousers, he jumped out the window, smashed onto the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, and made a made dash to his car.

A few minutes later the front door opened, and the man was standing there, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him. He yelled at the woman coming down the stairs, “I’M your husband, you mad cow!”

With a cynical smirk the woman looked at him and said, “Maybe so, but why were you so keen on running?”

The US Coast Guard was out patrolling in the gulf of Mexico when they spotted a small boat speeding towards the Texas shoreline. They decided to intercept the vessel to determine what they were up to. On board, they discovered three Mexicans.

“So what are you three doing heading towards the US?” asked the captain.

“We’re here to invade and take over the United States,” the three amigos replied.

The captain laughed, “Just you three?”

“Actually, we’re the last three,” said one of the Mexicans. “The other 12 million of us are already in your country.”

The doctor emerged from the operating room and approached a man in the waiting area.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news concerning your mother’s condition,” informed the doctor.

“Actually,” replied the man, “she’s my mother-in-law.”

“Well in that case,” said the doctor, “I have some excellent news.”

An Indian walked into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

He said to the man behind the counter, “Me want coffee.”

With a smile the man said, “Sure chief, coming right up.”

After getting a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drank it down in one gulp. Immediately following, he threw the bucket of manure into the air and blasted it with the shotgun. While everyone ducked for cover, the Indian just walked out.

The next morning the Indian returned. He had his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walked up to the counter and said, “Me want coffee”.

The man behind the counter said, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. Would you mind telling us what that was that all about, anyway?”

The Indian smiled and proudly said, “Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, then disappear for rest of day.”

On a dark and foggy night, the captain saw a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

The captain had his signalman send: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

The light signaled back: “Change yours, ten degrees west.”

Angry, the captain had the signalman send: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” came the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious: “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

The seaman sent one final reply: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A police officer pulled over a man who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He went up to the window and said, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man said, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine,” said the officer, who was being more than reasonable. “I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either,” said the man. “I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

Annoyed, but determined to remain reasonable the officer said, “Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer,” came the response.

“And why not?” he asked.

“Because I’m too drunk.”

A woman walked into a saloon and stood on a chair. “Fellas! My pussy is so big that I’ll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can’t take.”

A big cowboy got up and took off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoved them into her pussy. The boots were sucked right in. He grabbed a flashlight and, that too, was sucked in. He put his face in between her legs to get a better look and he got sucked in.

Inside he heard noises. “Is someone else in here?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ve been in here for a week,” the voice said.

“Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here,” said the cowboy.

“Hell,” said the other man, “help me find my keys and we can drive out.”

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”