After a brief wait in the lobby, Alice was shown to an examination room. Almost immediately the doctor came in.

“Miss Parker, is it? I’m Doctor Anderson, and I’d like to give you a thorough examination. If you don’t mind, please remove all of your clothing.”

“B-b-but doctor,” Alice stammered. “I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday.”

“So he told me, so he told me,” replied Dr. Anderson.

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort.

One who had recently retired was describing his life, “I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax. In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis. When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again.”

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied.

Later he reported the conversation to his wife.

She asked, “What’s his wife’s name?”

Her husband said, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.”

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, “Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here?”

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, “My lawyer.”

A guy was chatting up a lady in a night club. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.

“Haven’t you got a girlfriend?” she replied. “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago.” he assured her.

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”

After few drinks, a kiss, and a cuddle, they headed off back to her place for an evening of passionate sex.

While he was putting his clothes back on she said, “So, you’re a nice guy, good looking, and pretty amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth did you split up with your girlfriend?”

As he slipped out the door he said, “My wife found out.”

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

“Can she cook like I can?” the distraught woman asked between sobs.

“Not on her best day,” he replied.

“Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?”

“No, she’s broke.”

“Well, then, is it sex?”

“Nobody does it like you, babe.”

“Then what can she do that I can’t?”

“Sue me for child support.”

Ted and Cindy were working in their garden one day when Ted mentioned, “You’re butt is getting really big,I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”

Cindy chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted was feeling a little frisky. He made an advance towards his wife, but she completely brushed him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She answered, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

A salesman left town on business. After a couple of weeks he came home and told his wife about it.

“Guess what dear,” he said with enthusiasm. “In only two weeks, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses!”

To which the wife replied “Really? Well with just one mattress, I managed to earn almost twice as much.”

A drunk blonde sat at the bar and called out, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

The barman mixed her drink and put in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she called him over and said, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

He rolled his eyes but mixed her drink anyway and set it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waved him over again and said, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

The barman looked her up and down and said, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And finally, you don’t have heartburn, your left tit is laying in the ashtray.”