Two married friends were out drinking. Wayne turned to Shawn and said, “You know, whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

Shawn looked at Wayne and said, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, undress right there in the bedroom, then jump into bed and slap her on the butt and say ‘WHO’S HORNY?!’ She acts like she’s sound asleep every time!”

Wendy lamented, “I can’t understand why men are so afraid of commitment.”

Lynne replied, “Tell me about it! I’ve been living with a man for almost a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.”

“What did you say?” asked Wendy.

“I just told him, ‘Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your shit out of my house’.”

Janet and Bob went to the doctor to address Bob’s sexual disfunction. The doctor gave Bob a thorough exam and then brought both of them into his office for a professional consultation.

The doctor handed Janet a large bottle of pills, and explained to her that she needed to take two tablets three times a day. If she follow his instructions, their sex life would improve over time.

Janet was a bit confused. She asked, “Doctor, shouldn’t you be prescribing these to my husband?”

“No, these are for you,” he replied. “They’re diet pills.”

Father McFeely had to spend the night in a hotel.

He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started making passes, but she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

“It’s OK,” he replied. “It’s written in the Bible.”

So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picked up the Bible off the dresser opened to the first page. Someone had written in pencil: “The hat check girl puts out!”

It was the usual scene in the City’s Night Court. The Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.

Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.

He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, “I don’t know what all this is about your Honor. I’m a college student doing research for a term paper.”

The Judge sighed and said, “Well, Miss, I would have thought you’d done enough research’ by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine.” He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, “Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested.”

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, “Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your ‘husband’ in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine.” He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, “I’m a hooker.”

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, “How’s business?”

She sneered and replied, “Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can’t turn a single trick.”

Little Johnny, while stuttering, asked his mom, “Mmmama why I tttalk like ttthis.”

She replied, “I don’t know. Go ask your father.”

Little Johnny went to his dad and asked, “Dddad why I tttalk like ttthis!”

His father said, “I don’t know. Go ask your sister.”

So Little Johnny asked his sister and like all older sisters, she kicked him out of her room and told him to go away.

Little Johnny was in the yard kicking rocks when the postman walked up. Little Johnny asked, “MMMr. why I tttalk like ttthis!”

The postman replied, “BBBoy ggget away fffrom me bbbefore I ggget in tttrouble!”

A cowboy walked into a drugstore one evening, went down an aisle and came back to the register. He tossed a three pack of condoms on the counter and the clerk rang it up.

As she was handing him his change she asked, “Would you like a bag with that, sir?”

“Naw, don’t think I do,” the man said with a drawl. “This one’s kinda purty.”

Glenn saw a tight blonde sitting all alone at the bar.

He sat next to her and after a few drinks he noticed that she didn’t seem the least bit affected by the alcohol.

Curious about this, Glenn asked, “How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?”

She frowned and gave Glenn a dirty look, but then she shook her head and said, “Oh, usually about four or five, but my name is Sandy. Don’t ever call me Dizzy!”

After little Tyrone looked in the mirror, something finally occurred to him that never occurred to him before.

So he went up to his mother and asked, “Mommy, why am I black when you are white?”

“Don’t even go there,” his mother warned. “From what I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”