A woman brought a baby to the doctor’s office for a check up. Everything seemed normal during the exam, but the doctor was a little concerned about the baby’s weight.

“Is the baby breast or bottle fed?” asked the physician.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well let’s have a look then. Could you please remove your top?” the doctor requested.

The woman removed her blouse and exposed her breasts to the doctor. He proceeded to pinch her nipples. Then he pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both of them in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m sure glad I came.”

When her husband walked in the door, the wife excitedly told him, “Dear, you know those headaches I’ve been having all of these years? Well, they’re finally gone!”

The husband was impressed and asked how she did it.

The woman explained, “I went to that new hypnotist in town, and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.’ Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone now.”

The husband was curious. His prowess in the bedroom had been on the decline over the years and wondered if the hypnotist could help him as well. His wife encouraged him to try it, and the next day he made an appointment.

Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband came home, ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He disappeared into the bathroom for a moment and then came back to make sweet, passionate love to his wife like never before.

Basking in the afterglow his wife said, “That was wonderful!”

The husband said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”

He went back into the bathroom, came back a moment later, and jumped in for round two with his wife. It was even better than the first time!

Her head was spinning, but the wife sat up and said, “This is amazing!”

Her husband again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back,” and slipped into the bathroom yet again.

This time his wife was curious. She quietly crept to the door and peeked through the open crack to see how he was doing it.

There he was standing in front of the mirror saying, “She is not my wife. She is NOT my wife. She is NOT MY WIFE!”

A meeting was called about a troubling matter. Mother superior stood before the other sisters flanked by Monsignor Francis.

“I feel it is our duty to inform you of something very serious,” began the Reverend Mother. “We have discovered a case of gonorrhea within the walls of our convent.”

“Thank God,” said Sister Agnes from the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was very receptive to his advances after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.

At first she seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, “Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!”

“I’m not wearing a ring,” the man sheepishly admitted. “That’s my Timex.”

The teacher announced, “The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why.”

She left the kiddies for a short while and then asked them their answers.

Kelly at the front went first, “My Mummy’s like a swan, because she’s white and elegant”

“Thank you Kelly” says teacher, and she continued going around the class.

Bobby said “My Mummy’s like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters.”

“Thank you Bobby,” said the teacher, and continued with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asked him, “Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?”

Little Johnny piped up with “A thrush!”

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asked, “Why is that?”

Little Johnny replied, “Because she’s an irritating bitch!”

Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.

“You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “It’s actually kind of romantic.”

“Oh, yeah?” responded Scott. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl.”

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the MAN of Your House”.

Brimming with new found confidence, he stormed over to his wife sitting in her chair and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

“After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up, the wife replied, “The mortician would be my first guess.”

A couple of hunters were in a lodge making small talk.

One of them asked the other, “So, what do you hunt?”

He answered, “I hunt unicorns.”

The first hunter was taken aback, then said “Really? How do you do that?”

The other answered, “I hire a virgin sit around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

The first hunter said “I bet they’re hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

The second hunter said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”