Category Archives: Jokes

Three buddies got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The first said “Let’s all go to O’Leary’s. The bartender will give us free peanuts, pretzels, and chips.”

The second said “That sounds good, but if we go to McDigger’s, the meals are half off after your third round.”

The last guy said “That sounds fine but if we go to Paddy’s, we can drink for free all night, then go out into the parking lot and get laid.”

“That sounds to good to be true!” the first two exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?” they asked.

“No,” the third guy replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”

An extremely obese woman went to her doctor and claimed that she has tried every possible way to lose weight but to no avail.

The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet: Rectal feeding! Addressing the patient’s concerns, the doctor assured the woman that she won’t starve to death, and that she’ll actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life and still lose weight in the process.

Several weeks later the patient came in for a follow-up appointment, and it was quite apparent that she had lost a considerable amount of weight. The doctor showed the patient into the exam room and noticed that the patient kept bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically.

The doctor asked how she was doing and if there was anything wrong.

The patient replied, “I’m feeling great Doc. Never felt better!”

“OK then, but why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?”

The woman replied, “Oh, that? I’m just chewing gum.”

10. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
9. She yells out her own name.
8. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
7. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
6. Keeps asking, “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
5. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
4. You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.
3. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
2. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
1. When you request sex, she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased – until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, “At this point I don’t know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don’t.”

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. He got a job working for a local newspaper. His first assignment was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozarks to do his research.

He found an old farmer in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbor’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”

“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”

“Yep, one time a neighbor’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”

“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head quietly for a second then timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once…”

Two married friends were out drinking. Wayne turned to Shawn and said, “You know, whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

Shawn looked at Wayne and said, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, undress right there in the bedroom, then jump into bed and slap her on the butt and say ‘WHO’S HORNY?!’ She acts like she’s sound asleep every time!”

Wendy lamented, “I can’t understand why men are so afraid of commitment.”

Lynne replied, “Tell me about it! I’ve been living with a man for almost a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.”

“What did you say?” asked Wendy.

“I just told him, ‘Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your shit out of my house’.”

Janet and Bob went to the doctor to address Bob’s sexual disfunction. The doctor gave Bob a thorough exam and then brought both of them into his office for a professional consultation.

The doctor handed Janet a large bottle of pills, and explained to her that she needed to take two tablets three times a day. If she follow his instructions, their sex life would improve over time.

Janet was a bit confused. She asked, “Doctor, shouldn’t you be prescribing these to my husband?”

“No, these are for you,” he replied. “They’re diet pills.”

Father McFeely had to spend the night in a hotel.

He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started making passes, but she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

“It’s OK,” he replied. “It’s written in the Bible.”

So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picked up the Bible off the dresser opened to the first page. Someone had written in pencil: “The hat check girl puts out!”

It was the usual scene in the City’s Night Court. The Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.

Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.

He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, “I don’t know what all this is about your Honor. I’m a college student doing research for a term paper.”

The Judge sighed and said, “Well, Miss, I would have thought you’d done enough research’ by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine.” He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, “Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested.”

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, “Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your ‘husband’ in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine.” He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, “I’m a hooker.”

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, “How’s business?”

She sneered and replied, “Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can’t turn a single trick.”