A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.
She was very receptive to his advances after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.
At first she seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, “Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!”
“I’m not wearing a ring,” the man sheepishly admitted. “That’s my Timex.”
The teacher announced, “The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why.”
She left the kiddies for a short while and then asked them their answers.
Kelly at the front went first, “My Mummy’s like a swan, because she’s white and elegant”
“Thank you Kelly” says teacher, and she continued going around the class.
Bobby said “My Mummy’s like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters.”
“Thank you Bobby,” said the teacher, and continued with the other students.
Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asked him, “Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?”
Little Johnny piped up with “A thrush!”
The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asked, “Why is that?”
Little Johnny replied, “Because she’s an irritating bitch!”
Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
“You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “It’s actually kind of romantic.”
“Oh, yeah?” responded Scott. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl.”
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the MAN of Your House”.
Brimming with new found confidence, he stormed over to his wife sitting in her chair and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
“After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
Without even looking up, the wife replied, “The mortician would be my first guess.”
A couple of hunters were in a lodge making small talk.
One of them asked the other, “So, what do you hunt?”
He answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
The first hunter was taken aback, then said “Really? How do you do that?”
The other answered, “I hire a virgin sit around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
The first hunter said “I bet they’re hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
The second hunter said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Two cowboys were a couple miles outside of town on a trail they used for herding cattle.
One of the cowboys stopped to take a pee. As he was relieving himself, a rattlesnake sprung from the bush and bit him right on the penis. He called his buddy for help.
Not knowing what to do, his buddy jumped on his horse and raced into town seeking a cure.
Once he reached the doctors office, he ran inside and explained the situation.
The doctor told the cowboy that the only way to save his friend would be to suck the poison out.
With that knowledge, the cowboy jumped back on his horse and raced back to his friend.
“What did the doctor say?” said the ailing cowboy.
“He said you’re gonna die.”
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running out the front church door.
Everyone had gone except for an elderly man who sat calmly in the pew. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you not know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Are you not going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why are you not afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
An American businessman went to Japan on a business trip. Unfortunately he wasn’t the least bit fond of Japanese food, so he called the hotel front desk and asked if there was any way he could get a pizza.
The concierge happily informed the man that it was not a problem. He took the man’s order and said room service would deliver his pizza shortly.
Thirty minutes later, there was a boy at the door with the pizza. As the man took the pizza, he started to sneeze uncontrollably. “What the heck did you put on this pizza?” he demanded to know.
The room service boy bowed his head and said, “Just what you ordered: Pepper only.”
Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
“I don’t get it,” complained the first guy, “He`s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car… yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!”
“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “he`s not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows!”
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter, Alice, was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did, there she stood nude, except for a pair of
black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit — but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
