Category Archives: Jokes

The rescue squad was called to the home of a middle aged couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late, and the man had died.

While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered, and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love, and he started moaning, groaning, and then he was panting and sweating while thrashing about the bed. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”

Bored with retirement, Barney went into the Job Center in downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a “Gynecologist’s Assistant”. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”

“Good grief”, Barney asked, “Is that where the job is?”

“No sir, that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

Mildred dragged her husband Harry to the mall so she could by a new dress for an upcoming wedding they had been invited to.

After some time, Harry grew impatient. “Come on Milly. What’s taking you so long to pick out an outfit?”

“Oh hush, Harry”, scolded Mildred. “I want to make a good impression at this wedding. I’m looking for something youthful and wild in a lady’s dress.”

“So am I,” muttered Harry under his breath. “So am I.”

To avoid hitting a deer, Tom swerved his Harley, lost control, and landed in a ditch. Dazed and confused he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road.

Just then a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, “Are you okay?”

Tom looked up and noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. “I’m okay I think,” he replied as he pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I ’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” said Tom, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was gorgeous, and very persuasive, too. Being sort of shaken and weak, Tom agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

They arrived at her place, which was just few miles away. After a the bandaging and a couple of cold beers, Tom thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said while unbuttoning her blouse and exposing an amazing set of boobs.

“Stay for a while. She won’t know anything..”

Things progressed, and they had some great sex.

And then, they did it again, two more times.

Then, after drinks, she asked, “By the way, where is your wife?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”

The old priest was not comfortable with his parish members confessing to adultery. From his pulpit he addressed the issue with his flock and said that those who commit such a sin should merely mention they had “fallen”.

Many years passed and the town’s beloved priest died at a ripe old age. A new priest was assigned, and things seemed to be getting back to normal rather quickly.

A few weeks later, the new priest visited the mayor of the town. He told the mayor, “You have to do something about the sidewalks! When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

Realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word, the mayor started to laugh.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week.”

Marlin called his employer and said, “Hey boss, I’m not going to make it in today. I’m very sick.”

The boss replied, “Marlin, we’re swamped right now and I need you here today. Just how sick are you?”

Marlin stammered a little and said, “Well I just got done doing anal with my mom, and now I’m about to have a threesome with my sister and a goat.”

During the crusades, young men were expected to join the military and fight.

One young man had just gotten married and was forced to leave before consummating the relationship. She was still wearing her chastity belt and he had the only key.

Concerned about her well being, he met with his best friend who was staying behind. He told his friend, “Keep this key, and if I am killed, you have my blessing to use it. Promise me that you will be an honorable friend and take care of her, and that you will not use it until you have confirmed my death.”

The two men made a pact, and the young man rode off to join the distant battle.

About two hours later, as he was traveling to join the battle, the young man noticed a rider approaching at a full gallop, with a cloud of dust behind him. It was his best friend.

As his friend approached he was waving frantically, with the key in his hand shouting at the top of his voice, “You gave me the wrong key!”

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and his neighbor was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, “Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?”

“No sir,” answered the man.

“Did you ever get any from his wife?”

“No sir.”

“Did you ever get any from his daughters?”

“Uh, excuse me,” the witness said, “but we are still talking about drugs here, right?”

A woman wearing a very skimpy outfit sat across from Dave on the morning train.

During the commute the woman made subtle eye contact, suggestively winking, crossing and uncrossing her legs, and even sensually licking her lips.

Dave couldn’t help but watch no matter how hard he tried to avert his eyes. He was starting to get really turned on by the floozy’s show and kept thinking to himself, “Please don’t get an erection! PLEASE don’t get an erection!”

But she did.

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.

One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.

“Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you are doing?”

“I’m sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” she replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!”

“OK, OK. So,” he asked after a moment, “how often do you think Tom Brady gets laid?”