Stan and Jerry were a couple of old fishing buddies. Early Saturday morning, Stan called Jerry and said, “Jerry, it’s Stan. Look, I’m not gonna be able to go fishing this morning like we planned.”
“Why not?” asked Jerry. “We’ve been planning this fishing trip all week!”
“Look, I woke up grumpy this morning,” explained Stan.
Jerry thought for a moment and said, “Well, have you tried getting her to go back to bed?”
A woman sought advice from a family therapist, “It’s my daughter that I’m worried about. I found her with the little boy next door. They were both naked and examining each other’s bodies!”
“That’s doesn’t sound unusual,” smiled the therapist. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“But I am worried, doctor,” insisted the woman, “and so is my daughter’s husband!”
A recently hired blonde was tasked was to go out for coffee. Armed with a large thermos, she hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
When she got there, she held up the thermos so that the man behind the counter could see it. “Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” she asked.
Looking at the thermos the man replied, “It should easily hold six cups.”
Handing the thermos over, the blonde said, “Wonderful! I need you to fill it with one black, two decaf, and three with cream and sugar.”
An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years. He went to the doctor and was fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear again.
A month went by and the man went back to the doctor for a standard follow up.
The doctor remarked, “It would seem your hearing is nearly perfect now. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet,” said the old man. “I just sit around and listen to the conversations, and I’ve changed my will three times!”
The university was offering a course in paranormal studies, and to get a feel for his audience the professor asked, “How many of you here believe in ghosts?”
Nearly every student raised their hand.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”
About half the students raised their hands.
“That’s interesting. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
About half of those students raised their hands.
“That’s great Has anyone here ever been touched by a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further,” said the professor. “Has any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raised his hand.
The professor was astonished. He took off his glasses and said, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had intimate contact with a ghost. Please come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The student made his way up to the podium.
The professor said, “Now, tell us what was it like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replied, “Ghost? From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”
A tourist, visited the National Memorial Hall For Israel’s Fallen where there is an eternal flame monument to Unknown Soldiers.
At the base of the memorial, a sign was displayed: “Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg”.
The tourist asked one of the attendants how was it possible that the unknown had a name.
The old man replied, “As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.”
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”
The child did as she was told, and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”
A few days later the mother said to the daughter, “Go tell your daddy that he can type that letter now.”
The child went to tell her father, returned, and announced, “Daddy said never mind, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
A blind skydiver was being interviewed about his hobby and asked how this was accomplished.
He explained that many things were all done for him. “Others make sure that the parachute is properly harnessed, and I am placed in the door and told when to jump. Even my hand is placed on the release ring for me”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” asked the interviewer
“Oh, that’s easy,” grinned the man. “The dog’s leash goes slack.”
While driving through Natchitoches, Louisiana a husband and wife were arguing about the pronunciation of the town. Before leaving they decided to stop for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
(FYI, while there are acceptable variations, Natchitoches is typically pronounced, Nah’-cuh-dish.)
An older man had developed a somewhat rare condition that required major surgery. As it so happened, the only qualified surgeon in the region to perform the procedure was his very own son. Before the operation, the father and son had a brief moment to speak.
“Just relax and do you best,” the father told his son, “and remember that if anything goes wrong, your mother is going to move in with you and your family.”
