Category Archives: Jokes

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the doctor was examining him, he asked, “So how did this happen?”

The hunter explained that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. When he squatted down, a bear trap hidden under leaves was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.

“Oh,” exclaimed the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!”

“It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.”

“Second worst?” said the doctor. “What could have been worse than that?”

“Coming to the end of the chain,” said the hunter.

A man was walking along a beach when he came across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picked up the lamp and gave it a rub.

Two blonde genies appeared, and they told him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy made his three wishes and the blonde genies disappeared.

In the very next moment, the guy found himself in a bedroom in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He made love to all of them and began to explore the house. He felt something soft under his feet, looked down and saw the floor covered in $100 bills.

Just then there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, there were two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They dragged him outside to the nearest tree, threw a rope over a limb and hanged him by the neck until he was dead.

As the Klansmen walked away, they removed their hoods to reveal that they were the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie said to the other, “I can understand the first wish of having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to, I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but for the life of me I have no idea why he wanted to be hung like a black man.”

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach that had recently suffered an ecological disaster.

Looking around at the devastation, the Brunette said, “Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!”

The blonde looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all about the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, and so was the front door to the house. There was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was smeared across the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand was sitting by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill or something even more serious.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

A golfer in a competitive match needed to shave off a few strokes. The golfer said to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walked up to him and whispered, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thought, what the heck? So he said to the stranger, “Okay,” and sank the putt.

Two holes later he mumbled to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moved to his side and said, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugged and said, “Sure,” and amazingly, he made an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer said, “Absolutely!” He made the eagle and won the competition.

As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said, “You know, I have not been fair with you because you do not know who I am. For you see, I am the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you, devil,” said the golfer. “And by the way, my name is Father O’Malley!”

The Montana Department of Labor suspected a rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $350 a week plus he gets free room and board.

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300 per week plus free room and board.

“Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $15 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” said the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

A minister wasn’t sure about how to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

During the meeting with the organist the minister asked about what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll think of something.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

“Look, Johnny,” said the coach, “I’ve taught you the principles of good sportsmanship. You understand that the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language, right?”

Little Johnny nodded, “Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good. Now, would you please explain it to your father?”

A 747 was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.

A moment later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except for some lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.