Gerald mosied up to an attractive woman at the bar and asked, “Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?”
The woman looked him over and asked, “Do you like sex?”
“Of course, I like sex,” said Gerald.
“Do you like to travel?” the woman inquired.
“Oh, I love to travel,” he remarked.
“Then fuck off.”
A hillbilly woman went to the hospital to have her first child, and a year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there every May to give birth.
After the 12th year she stopped coming back every spring to give birth, and the staff wondered what happened. It would be another 5 years before they would see her again, but this time for a minor injury.
When asked why she hadn’t been having any babies the past few years, she replied, “There ain’t gonna be no more, now that I figured out what was causin’ ’em.”
Marvin and Mabel went to their doctor’s office and asked to be tested for HIV.
Seeing how the couple were both monogamous octogenarians, the doctor asked why they felt that they should be tested.
The old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after having annual sex!”
Flying to San Francisco from San Diego, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey even though the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 San Diego State University girls going to San Francisco for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty. What would you do?”
The teacher was giving a lesson about the concept of starvation to the class. She asked volunteers to come up to the chalkboard to draw their idea of starvation.
Although Little Johnny was the only kid in class with his hand up the teacher called on José, because she knew better than to call on Little Johnny. So, José went up and drew a round circle on the board with a bunch of dots in the circle.
The teacher asks him, “What is that, José?”
José replied, “Starvation is when all you have for dinner is a bunch of peas.”
The teacher said, “That’s great, José, but not quite what I’m looking for.”
She called on Suzy next, even though Little Johnny was the only one with his hand. Suzy went up and drew a circle and only put 2 dots in it. She explained to the teacher that starvation is only having two peas for dinner.
Again, the teacher said, “Well that’s great, but not what I was looking for.”
Finally, she called on Little Johnny even though she knew she’d regret it.
Little Johnny came up and drew a big circle and then draws a bunch of scribbled lines in it.
The teacher was thinking, well here it comes. She asked, “O.K. Little Johnny, tell us what your idea of starvation is.”
Little Johnny says, “Well, teacher, this circle is the asshole, and all these scribbles are cobwebs!”
Tony pulled into a small town that he couldn’t believe still existed in 2019. It was basically a dusty dirt road with a wooden building that said “General Store” and not much else.
Tony noticed a little old man sitting in a rocking chair in front of the store, so he moseyed up and asked him, “What do you folks like to do around here?”
The old man’s voice creaked, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”
Curious, Tony asked, “So what do you hunt?”
The old man replied, “Somethin’ to fuck.”
The husband had been coming home hammered every night for years, and the wife always yelled at him before going to bed angry and alone.
One day the woman decided to try some of that reverse psychology she had read about. When her husband staggered in the door late one night, she was waiting for him in her sexiest lingerie. She sat him in an armchair and gave him a back rub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she said in a sultry voice. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?”
“We might as well,” slurred the drunken husband. “I’m going to be in trouble anyway when I get home.”
Marv always brought along several condoms when travelling to sites of religious significance. He would then discreetly rub the condoms against artifacts of faith.
Bob, his traveling companion and friend, having witnessed him do this at several major Judeo-Christian sites, asked, “Marv why do you keep doing that. It’s embarrassing! What if you get caught?”
Marv explained, “By blessing these condoms on these artifacts, I can honestly tell any woman I go to bed with that I’ll be able to fuck the hell out of her.”
A priest lost his favorite Bible after conducting a graveside funeral service. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The priest couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the dog. “Your name was written inside of the cover.”
It was a brisk spring morning when an undergraduate bumped into his former teacher. “Good morning, Professor Milsap!” said the young lad.
“Do I know you?” replied the teacher.
“It’s me, Robbie Gorton. I was in your class last semester,” explained the student.
“Can’t be!” snorted the professor. “Robbie Gorton is dead!”
“I can assure you, I’m very much alive,” smiled the student.
“Impossible,” said the professor. “I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
