Karen invited some friends to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say grace?”
The little girl fumbled a bit and said, “I wouldn’t know what to say, Mommy.”
“Just say a prayer that you’ve heard me say before,” said the mother.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
“You’re late!” sneered the manager to his blonde secretary.
“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking to work down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first aid course.”
“What did you do?” asked the manager.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”
You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After a taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off into the wind.
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw were sitting on their porch swing, talking about the good ol’ days. That’s when maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen!
Maw pointed to the sky and said, “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!”
As he stood to his feet, Paw said, “Git me my gun, Maw.”
After briefly running into the house, Maw brought Paw his pump action shotgun.
He took careful aim before taking his shot, then BLAM!
The monster bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.
With a look of concern, Maw said, “I think ya missed him, Paw.”
“Yeah,” replied Paw, “but at least he let go of Ol’ John!”
Over breakfast one morning, Dale asked his wife what she would like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
A few days later on the morning of her birthday, Dale got her up bright and early and took her to a local amusement park. They rode the roller coaster, the log floom, the carousel, and every other ride imaginable.
Several hours later, they staggered out of the park and went to a fast food restaurant for cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes.
After that, it was off to the movies! They saw the latest Disney adventure complete with popcorn, candy, and sodas!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
She sat up in bed and glared at him, “You moron! I meant my dress size.”
While visiting the Annapolis Naval Academy, a tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.
“Every year,” the guide replied with a grin, “the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”
Out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide, “So tell me, what’s the correct answer?”
The guide guide raised an eyebrow and said, “One.”
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
The next morning the kangaroo was out sauntering around the zoo again, so a twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he got out, so they erected a fence 30 feet high.
The camel in the next pen asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo shrugged, “That all depends on how long it takes before somebody starts to lock the gate at night!”
Ernie and Sarah were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long.
Ernie explained “When we were first married, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”
Sarah added, “And in 60 years of marriage, we have never needed to make a major decision.”
Bob and Mabel were celebrating 50 years of marriage. Their neighbor Tom asked them what the secret was to such a long and happy marriage.
Bob looked lovingly into Mabel’s eyes before explaining, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had, and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Amazing!” gasped Tom. “Twice a week, every week?”
“Every week,” added Mabel. “I go out every Tuesday, and he goes out on Fridays.”
Two Jewish men, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion
“I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?” asked the first one.
“There must be,” the second one replied. “To be sure though, let’s ask the waiter.”
When the waiter came by, they asked him, “Do you have any Mexican Jews?”
“I do not know Señor,” said the waiter. “I will ask the cooks.”
A few minutes later, the waiter returned from the kitchen and informed the gentlemen, “I’m sorry, Señor. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”
A man was walking through his local mall and noticed a Mexican book store. As he had never seen a Mexican book store before, the man decided to take a look inside.
After browsing for a while, he approached the clerk and asked, “Would you happen to have that book on President Trump’s foreign policy with Mexico?”
Enraged, the clerk shouted, “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!”
“That’s the one,” replied the man. “Got it in hardcover?”
Why is there such a dearth of great classical Mexican literature?
Because Edward Seymour didn’t invent aerosol paint until 1949.
