Little Billy was making faces at his classmates. The teacher became irritated and told Billy to stop.
“Why should I?” asked the defiant child.
“Because if you don’t,” explained the teacher, “Your face will eventually stick and it will stay like that forever!”
Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Can I assume you’re speaking from personal experience?”
There was a knock at the door. When Mary answered it, she found a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
”Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
Quick as a flash, the young man pushed open the door and barged into the living room.
“Now I know you’re sceptical,” said the salesman, “but just wait till you see what this baby can do!”
With that, he emptied a bucket of dirt, rotten eggs, mushy tomatoes and other trash onto her carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this garbage from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat every last bit of it right off your floor.”
“I’ll fetch you a fork,” Mary replied. “I couldn’t afford the bill, so they shut off my electricity.”
The teacher asked her students, “If you could have an unlimited supply of any element, which one would you want?”
One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
Little Johnny said, “I would want silicon.”
“Why would you want that?” Asked the teacher
“Well my mom got some,” he replied, “and now there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
Cecil found an old lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a genie with the promise to grant three wishes.
After thinking it over Cecil said, “I wish for a bottomless mug of beer!”
Just then a mug of beer appeared in Cecil’s hand. He took a sip and it was the most delicious beer he had ever tasted! He tipped up the mug and started to chug it down, but no sooner than he swallowed, the mug magically replenished itself.
“And for your next two wishes, Master?” asked the genie.
Cecil stopped drinking for a moment to carefully consider his next two wishes before answering, “I think I better wish for two more of these.”
Mark and Sally had not been getting along for years, but refused to consider getting a divorce. Being cruel and petty, however, was not entirely off the table.
When Mark bought Sally a cemetery plot for her birthday, she was not the least bit amused, but the following year he didn’t get her anything, which made her even more furious.
“So now you can’t even be bothered to give me anything on my birthday?” she scorned.
“I didn’t see the point,” explained Mark. “You didn’t even use the gift I got you last year.”
Little Susie’s beloved dog Sparky died, and her mother was having a hard time consoling the grieving child.
After burying the dog in their back yard the mother said, “Don’t worry, Honey. Sparky is in Heaven with God now.”
The little girl wiped her tear stained face and asked, “What’s God gonna do with a dead dog?”
Two nuns happened to pass the beer cooler while grocery shopping. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cold beer taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun replied, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause quite a scene at the check-out counter.”
The first nun replied, “I can handle that without a problem” as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with the six-pack.
“We use beer for washing our hair” said the nun. “A shampoo of sorts, if you will.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and pulled out a bag of pretzel sticks. He placed them in the bag with the beer and said, “The curlers are on the house.”
Frank, Lou, and Barney were enjoying a few quiet drinks at the bar, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They each bought a ticket, and when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Frank won a toaster, Lou won a tea kettle, and Barney won a toilet brush.
When they met in the bar the next day, Barney asked the other two how they liked their prizes.
“Great,” said Frank. “Mine makes perfect toast.”
“I like mine too,” said Lou of his tea kettle.
Frank then asked, “And how’s the toilet brush, Barney?”
“Not so good,” said Barney. “I reckon I’ll go back to wiping with tissue.”
Shawn was on the phone with his ex-wife Margery. Somehow their conversation drifted from child custody issues to aches and pains.
Margery asked, “Well do you ever get a shooting pain in your neck as if someone were stabbing a voodoo doll with a long sharp pin?”
“No, not really,” he replied.
There was a brief pause before Margery asked, “How about now?”
A flight attendant watched a passenger trying to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. It seemed obvious that he should have checked his over-sized luggage.
Irritated, the man snorted, “I don’t have this problem when I fly other airlines.”
The flight attendant smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”
