John had just gotten out of prison. All he had in his possession was a shoe lace and $10.00. While he was in prison, all he could think about was eating pussy. That is all he wanted to do when he finally got out.
Now that he was out and had some money, he went to the nearest whorehouse to fulfill his dream. He went up to the counter, slapped his $10.00 bill on the counter, and told the person, “I want to eat some pussy.”
The guy behind the counter looked at him, and said, “Dude, this is $10. I can’t get you anything for that. What year do you think it is?”
John grabbed the guy by the collar and started shaking him “I just got out of prison. Im going to eat some pussy if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Okay, okay….I think we can work something out,” the guy said.
He led John to the back of the whore house to the oldest, most used up worker in the place. “Well…this is what you get for $10.”
John didn’t care. He started going to town. While he was doing the deed, he felt something get stuck between his teeth. It was a Corn Flake. “Okayyyy,” he thought. He had corn flakes for breakfast, so not a big deal. He continued on his quest until he felt something else get stuck in his teeth. It was chipped beef. “Okay, this is really weird”, he thought. They sometimes served chipped beef in prison, but John hasn’t had it in weeks. He started to feel ill and said, “I think I’m going to throw up.”
The worker looked down at him and said, “That’s what the last guy said.”
A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch has stopped working.
He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enteres the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of watches, but only a long counter, behind it sits a Jewish rabbi with a long white beard.
“Hello,” the man says, “Can you please check my watch, I think it broke down.”
“I’m sorry,” the seller says “I do not know anything about watches. I am a mohel. I perform circumcisions”.
“How nice,” the man answers “definitely important work.” He continues. “But if so, why did you hang a large clock outside your store?”
“Well,” replies the mohel “What do you expect me to hang out there?”
A chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”
So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”
Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”
The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird. She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said, “reddit, reddit, reddit”
The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them “for my last wish, I want a license to practice law. I don’t care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license.”
They are very puzzled but are determined to carry out his last wish. It takes a couple of weeks but they bribe some officials and get someone to claim to be him and pass the bar exam. Finally the license arrives when he is on his deathbed.
He says “Now I can die happy knowing that some good will come of this, and my friends and family will not be sad, because now when I die there will be one less lawyer”
The forest animals decided that they didn’t like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.
Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting and asked if anybody knew anything about the broken window.
Sheepishly, the rabbit said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night I was using the outhouse, when the bear came in. He grabbed me, did his business, then he wiped his ass with me and threw me out the window.”
The animals reprimanded bear and made him fix the window, but after a couple of days the door was smashed. Another meeting was called and again asked if anybody knew anything about the broken door.
Sheepishly the fox said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night as I was using the outhouse, the bear came in. He did same thing with me as with rabbit a few days ago, but he threw me out through the door.”
So the animals again reprimanded the bear, made him repair the door, and explained as best as possible that this behavior will not be tolerated.
Then two days later, the whole outhouse was destroyed. It was completely smashed to pieces. Again a meeting was called and asked if anybody knew anything about it.
Sheepishly, the porcupine said, “I am a bit embarrassed…”
He was a bright kid, and the first person from his small town to actually attend college. So when he came home, no expenses were spared.
The town threw a huge party in the center of town, with everyone cooking and bringing a dish. There was music, dancing, food, all to celebrate his return.
As the town sat down to eat, the boys father raises a toast. After he asks the boy,
“So, what did ya learn, out there at that fancy school o’ yours?”
“Well” says the son, “π r²”
All of a sudden, the father knocks his son to the ground.
“Dad what’s wrong!?!” The son says
The father, furious, says,
“You mean to tell me, that we spent all this money, you spent all that time, just to tell me Pie are square?!?!? We know that Pie are round!!!! Corn bread are square!!!”
“A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin alright”
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)……
“Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!””
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. When he touched it, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, the man blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped her hands and the entire sea turned into brew.
The other man looked in disgust at the one who made the wish and said, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
The preacher liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday.
One week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?”
A member of the choir chimed in with, “I Shall Not Be Moved!”
The next week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of tithes and gladness in giving to the Lord. What hymn should we sing?”
A different member of the choir called out, “Jesus Paid It All.”
The following week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this week on the evils of fornication. What hymn should we sing?”
From the back row an older choir member sighed fondly, “Precious Memories.”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
The house feels so empty without him now.
I miss you Alex,
-f2x
July 2025
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
