John sighed to his coworker, “The thrill is gone from my marriage”
“Why not have an affair, and add some intrigue into your life,” replied his workmate.
“But what if my wife finds out?” asked John.
“Heck. It’s 2015! Go home and tell her about it first.”
So the John went home and said to his wife, “Karin, I think if I have an affair, it will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said Karen. “I’ve tried that already, and it didn’t work.”
A woman had been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love. To her shock and horror, she saw that he was using a strap on dildo.
The woman was very upset, “Honey, how could you do this? Explain yourself immediately!”
The husband replied, “OK, I’ll explain why I’m using the strap on after you explain our three kids.”
A young man moved to the country and bought a farm. He planned to start with just a few animals so he walked to the local market.
When he arrived at the market, he went to a stall which had hens for sale. He asked the merchant “How much for that hen?”
The merchant quoted him a price, and the young man accepted. As the merchant handed over the bird, he told the newcomer, “Around here we call them pullets.”
Next, the man went to a stall which had several roosters for sale. He asked the merchant “How much for a rooster?”
The merchant quoted him a price and again the young man accepted the price.
As the merchant handed over the fowl, he politely informed the man, “In these parts, we call these cockerels, or just plain cocks for short.”
The man walked around for a while carrying his new purchases under his arms. He soon became tired and dreaded the long walk home.
It was then that he spotted a stall with a donkey. He approached the merchant and asked “How much for the donkey?”
The merchant quoted him a price and tells him, “Before I sell you this animal, I need to tell you a few things. First, around here we call this animal an ass. Also, this particular ass is very stubborn. He may go along for a while, then stop. The only way you can get him going again is to scratch him between his ears.”
The new farmer does not see a problem with this and purchases the animal. He gets on his ass, while the merchant handed the man his previous purchases. With a gentle kick, the man headed for home.
Sure enough, the man got about half way back home and the ass stopped dead in his tracks. The young man wasn’t quite sure what to do, as he could not scratch the animal without letting go of one of his birds!
Luckily he was approached by a young woman traveling the same way. Wanting to make sure he made a good impression, he was very careful to use the local language:
“Excuse me, Miss? Could I bother you to hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
The woman heard the front door opening, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.
“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.
“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.
“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.
“But… but you’ve got no clothes on!” stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “Those little bastards!”
One day, a man was out playing golf. As usual, he was having a terrible game. On the 10th hole, he shanks his ball deep into the woods. He went stumbling through the thick brush until he found his ball. There sitting on a rock beside it is a leprechaun.
The man said to the leprechaun, “Now that I found you, doesn’t that mean you must grant me a wish”.
The little fellow says “Sure, if that’s what you want, but I must warn you, there is always a price to pay even for a wish.”
The golfer said, “That’s OK. The only wish I have is to be a really great golfer.”
The leprechaun said, “Fine, but it will ruin you sex life”.
The golfer doesn’t care and accepts the terms.
The golfer then continued on with his game and had a fantastic round. He entered a few local tournaments and won, and went on to become a highly raked amateur.
About a year later he was playing the same course again and suddenly, on the 10th hole he hooks his ball into the same woods. Sure enough, there is the same little fellow waiting beside his ball.
The leprechaun asked him,” Well, how are you enjoying your wish?”
The golfer said, “It has been really great, I’m having the time of my life!”
Then the leprechaun asked, “Aye, but how is your sex life?”
The man says, “Well, I’ve only had sex 2 or 3 times in the past year.”
The leprechaun smiled and said, “See, I told you it would ruin your sex life!”
But the golfer said “Gee, I don’t know, 2 or 3 times is pretty good for a priest with a small parish like mine!”
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.”
Too late he noticed a beautiful woman sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
“That’s okay,” the woman replied, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”
Krissy was showing off her new tattoo to a small group of friends. It was a giant sea shell on her inner thigh.
Her friend Melissa asked, “Why did you get that tattoo in such a weird location?”
Krissy merely replied, “It’s actually really cool. If you put your left ear up to it, you can smell the ocean!”
A born-and-bred New Yorker was in the country when he saw an animal out in the field. He turned to the farmer and said, “What a strange looking cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?”
“Well, there are several reasons,” the farmer replied. “Some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns.”
“And this cow?” the city man asked.
“Well, the reason this cow doesn’t have any horns is because it’s a horse.”
Jake finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.”
His mother turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
Jake said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and yelled, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!”
A preacher was visiting an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sat on the couch he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” the woman replied.
They chatted for an hour and as the preacher stood to leave, he realized that instead of having eaten just a few peanuts, he had nearly emptied the bowl.
“I’m very sorry for having eaten all of your peanuts, I really meant to eat just a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the old woman replied. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
