A group of cowboys were herding and branding cattle out on the range. While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for the night’s meal, he slaughtered the animal and cooked it.
After dinner, all the cowboys were sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, “Did I screw up the cooking?”
“No,” the cowboy replied. “You cooked up the screwing.”
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, “You mean a cherry.”
She says, “No, I mean a plum.”
The bartender says, “Look lady, I’ve been tending bar for 20 years and you’re the first person that’s ever asked for a Manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?”
She said, “Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I’ve been plumb crazy ever since!”
A woman was happily showing off her new BMW.
“It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car,” enviously remarked a friend.
“Nice nothing! He had to,” explained the woman. “I caught him in bed with the maid.”
“Oh, how dreadful!” replied the friend, sympathetically. “Well, did you fire her?”
“Certainly not! I still need all new outfits to go with the car!”
After Arthur Davidson, the the co-founder of the Harley-Davidson company, died, he went to heaven.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were one of those boys who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
On a passenger flight, the pilot came over the public address system to greet the passengers. He told them the altitude they’d be flying, expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and then told them to relax and enjoy the flight.
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to the co-pilot and said, “What I could really go for right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.”
All the passengers heard it.
Mortified by what had just occurred, the stewardess began to run toward the cockpit to inform the pilot that his mic was still on.
As the stewardess rushed by, an elderly woman in an aisle seat shouted, “Don’t forget the coffee, honey!”
It seemed like a typical night for Tom as he crawled into bed, kissed his wife, and fell asleep.
Suddenly he awoke with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. “Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?” he asked.
“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”
“WHAT?! Are you saying, I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young,” said Tom. “I’m begging you, please send me back!”
“It’s not that simple,” said St. Peter. “If you choose to go back, you can only return as a hen.”
Tom thought about it for a second, and decided that being a hen was better than being dead. “Fine, I’ll go back as a hen,” Tom replied.
In the next second, he found himself nicely feathered in a chicken run, but now he felt like his rear end was going to explode. Along came the rooster. “Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.” he said. “How do you like it?”
“Well, it’s OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.”
“Oh that!” said the rooster. “That’s because you’re ovulating. I suppose you’ve never laid an egg before. Just cluck twice, and push all you can.”
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for. There was a plop, and a fresh egg was deposited on the ground.
“Wow,” said Tom, “that’s amazing! It felt really good too!”
So he clucked again and squeezed, and there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife’s voice shout, “Tom, for Christ’s sake, wake up! You’re shitting all over the bed!”
Jim was a little worried. He’d never had a prostate exam before.
The doctor could tell Jim was a little nervous and assured Jim there was nothing to worry about.
Sheepishly, Jim took off his pants in preparation for the exam. “Where should I put my trousers?” he asked.
“Over there by mine,” said the doctor.
A woman went to her doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a strange problem I need your opinion on.”
“Could you describe the symptoms to me?” he asked.
“Well, it’s easier if I show you,” she said, then proceeded to hike her skirt and spread her legs to reveal two green circles on her inner thighs.
“They don’t hurt or anything,” she said, “but I am a little worried about them.”
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, “Are you a lesbian by any chance?”
Slightly embarrassed by the question she conceded, “Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?”
“It appears as though your girlfriend’s earrings aren’t real gold.”
A man invites a friend to watch his duck hunting dog at work.
They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.
At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.
At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters’ legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, “This means there are so many fucking ducks on that pond, he can’t even count them.”
It just so happened that Princess Di and Dolly Parton stood before the gates of Heaven on the same day.
Saint Peter met them and told them that there was only one opening that day, so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.
Dolly opened her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and said, “Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates.”
Just then Princess Di pulled out a bottle of seltzer water, shook it, shoved it up her privates and let fly with the foaming water.
Saint Peter opened the gates and directed Princess Di to enter.
Dolly was incensed and said, “How could you let her enter before me? I show you these marvelous breasts, while she performed that obscene act!”
“Sorry Dolly,” said Saint Peter, “but a royal flush beats even the best pair any day.”
