Category Archives: Jokes

Out of the blue a young daughter, apparently already pondering the mysteries of her small world asked, “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?.”

“He thinks a lot,” her mother off-handedly responded, now pleased with herself for coming up with a quick answer that her husband would no doubt concur with, and at the same time answer her daughter’s puzzlement over her daddy’s growing baldness.

Or she was, until the daughter thought for a second and remarked, “Hmmm, so how come you have so much hair?”

Not that you ever wanted to know, but if you happen to notice these things at Grandma’s house this holiday season, it could indicate they are still sexually active.

8. You find a pair of edible Depends on the bedroom floor.
7. Lately, they’ve been putting their teeth in the same glass at night.
6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn”.
5. You find your grandma cuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandma starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Their Craftmatic adjustable bed is set for “doggy style”.

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

“What’s wrong?” asked the mother.

“I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears, “Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. “It’s okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”

“No,” said the boy, “I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.”

Ralph went up to Gary one morning and commented, “That new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

Gary replied, “I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. She’s got a lot of extra features too!”

Ralph was intrigued. “Mind if I borrow her?” he asked.

“Go ahead,” said Gary.

So, Ralph took her into the restroom. After a few moments, Gary heard him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”

Realizing what must be going on, Gary shouted in the door, “Hey! I forgot to tell you, Ralph- Her ass is a pencil sharpener!”

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302, and nobody around here tells me shit.”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.

“Actually, yes, I do.”

“Does it hurt you?” he asked.

“No. I rather like it.”

“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from?”

Mike had started seeing a therapist. During his initial session, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman. Mike confidently replied, “Big tits.”

“No, I meant for a serious relationship,” said the doctor.

Revising his answer, Mike said, “Oh, seriously big tits.”

“No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

Mike thought about it for a moment and said, “No woman’s tits are that big.”

A Jewish family was most concerned that their 30-year-old son was unmarried. So they called a marriage broker and asked her to find their son a good wife.

The broker came over to their house and spent a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they wanted in a wife/daughter-in-law. They gave her a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker took a long time looking, and finally asked to visit the family again. She told them of a wonderful woman she had found.

She said she was just the right age for the son, kept a Kosher home, a wonderful cook, loves children, wants a large family, and to crown it all off, she’s gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family was very impressed and began to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

At that point the son asked, “Is she also good in bed?”

“That I’m not sure,” the marriage broker replied. “Some say yes, some say no.”

The widow Sadie finally agreed to her daughter’s pleas to start seeing other people, and accepted an invitation from Morris.

Following a lovely dinner and a movie, Sadie went back to Morris’s house for coffee. It didn’t take long for one thing to lead to another, and soon they were in bed making passionate love.

Afterwards, Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my daughter knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”

“What do you mean ‘twice?'” Morris remarked. “We only did it once!”

Sadie looked back at Morris and replied, “Well, you’re going to do it again, aren’t you?”

A man was driving down a country road when his car sputtered to a stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, got out to see what was the matter, and noticed one of the cows looking at him.

“I believe it’s your radiator,” said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

“My engine broke down, and a cow just told me what’s wrong with my car!” he said as he frantically motioned back toward the field.

“Oh, that’s Ethel,” said the farmer. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”