Category Archives: Jokes

A man walked into an antique store, and began to look around. Suddenly, he spied a large brass rat in the corner. He fell in love with it, and so he brought it up to the cashier.

“The rat, eh?” said the wizened old proprietor.

“That’s right. How much?” replied the customer.

“Well, five dollars for the rat…” the old man paused, “but 200 dollars for the story,” he answered with a grin.

“I’ll just take the rat… without the story,” laughed the patron.

After paying the old man $5.00, he left the store with his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.

Soon he began to hear a scurrying and squeaking noise behind him. When he looked back, he noticed that a few rats were following him. After he had walked a few more blocks, the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

The man panicked, ran to a pier overlooking the sea, and threw the brass rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

Freaked out and nearly breathless, the man ran back to the antique store.

The old store owner was chuckling to himself. “So now do you want the story?”

“No,” said the man, “but have you got any brass lawyers?”

A woman went to a very prominent plastic surgeon with a very unique request.

“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked confidently.

“It’s kind of embarrassing, doc”, said the woman. “One of my butt cheeks is sagging lower than the other, and I was hoping you could even them out a bit.”

The surgeons face was overtaken by a look of horror. “I’m sorry. There is no way I can help you. Now if you’ll please leave.” He opened the door and motioned for her to get out.

“What? But why?” pleaded the woman.

In a low but angry tone the surgeon growled, “I am considered one of the foremost plastic surgeons in the world! Do you have any idea what would happen to my reputation if people found out I was doing a half-ass job?”

A schnauzer, a poodle, and a great Dane were sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. The poodle turned to the schnauzer and asked “why are you here?”

The schnauzer replied, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick, so he brought me here to put me down.”

The other two dogs lowered their heads on that somber note.

The poodle had to confide, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else, so he brought
me here to be put down as well.”

The schnauzer and the great Dane shook their heads in sorrowful solidarity.

It was then that the poodle and schnauzer looked at the great Dane and asked why he was there.

“Well you see my master was in the shower yesterday,” replied the great Dane. “When she got out of the shower, she went into the bedroom and bent down to pick up something on the floor. I guess nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing my doggy thing. I just couldn’t help myself.”

The other two dogs were stunned at the great Dane’s tale. The poodle asked, “They’re putting you down for that?”

“Oh, no,” said the great Dane. “I’m here to get my nails trimmed.”

Two elderly women, Mildred and Agnes, were out driving in a large sedan. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but Mildred just went on through. Agnes thought to herself, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.”

A few minutes later they came to another red light, and again Mildred went right through. This time Agnes was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she might have been mistaken. She decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to Mildred and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

A wealthy eccentric wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called an artist and explained what he wanted, “I’m a bit of a history buff, and I’d like for you to paint an interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died.”

The artist came over and began to work on his masterpiece. A few days later he emerged to inform his employer that the work was completed.

The man went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he shouted at the artist, “What the hell is this?”

“It’s an interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians’.”

The cantankerous old managing partner finally passed away. Strangely the firm’s receptionist kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.

“I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was her standard answer.

Eventually, the receptionist began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why they kept calling.

“I used to be one of his junior associates,” replied the caller, “and I just like to hear you say it.”

Marvin and Ilene went out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, Ilene noticed a tear in Marvin’s eye.

“Marvin,” she asked, “are you getting sentimental because we’ve celebrated 50 wonderful years together?”

“No, I was thinking about that day before we got married,” replied Marvin. “Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. I just realized that tomorrow I could’ve been a free man!”

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had started seeing another guy while he had been away and wanted to break up with him. To add insult to injury she also wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you were. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back.”

A farmer walked into a attorney’s office seeking to get a divorce.

The lawyer began by asking, “Do you have any grounds?”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I got about 40 acres.”

The lawyer shook his head and said, “No, No, you don’t understand, Do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.”

Again the lawyer said, “No, no, I mean, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.”

The lawyer said, “No, I mean, do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said,”Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks the John Deere.”

The lawyer said, “Well, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, we both get up at 4:30.”

By now the lawyer is really frustrated but tries one last question, “Is your wife a nagger?”

The farmer said, “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a divorce.”

A woman wanted to test her three son-in-laws to see what kind of men that her daughters had married.

To test the first one, she arranged for the two of them to go for a walk along the river. During the walk she pretended to lose her footing and fell into the river. The young man immediately dove into the water to rescue the woman.

The next day he was shocked to see a brand new car parked in his driveway. On the vehicle was a note that said, “Much love and appreciation, Your Mother-in-law.”

To test the second one, she again arranged for the two of them to go for a walk along the same river. Once again she pretended to lose her footing and fell into the river. As before, the young man immediately dove into the water to rescue the woman.

The next day, he too saw a brand new car parked in his driveway with a note that said, “Much love and appreciation, Your Mother-in-law.”

It was the same test for the third one. As they walked along the river she “lost her footing” and fell into the river. Quickly assessing the situation, the young man released a maniacally chuckle and left the scene. The woman was pulled away by the river’s current and drowned.

The next day the third son-in-law awoke to find a brand new car parked in his driveway. He rushed outside to see what it was about. He could hardly believe his eyes when he read the note, “Much love and appreciation, Your Father-in-law.”