Category Archives: Jokes

An Indian walked into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

He said to the man behind the counter, “Me want coffee.”

With a smile the man said, “Sure chief, coming right up.”

After getting a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drank it down in one gulp. Immediately following, he threw the bucket of manure into the air and blasted it with the shotgun. While everyone ducked for cover, the Indian just walked out.

The next morning the Indian returned. He had his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walked up to the counter and said, “Me want coffee”.

The man behind the counter said, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. Would you mind telling us what that was that all about, anyway?”

The Indian smiled and proudly said, “Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, then disappear for rest of day.”

On a dark and foggy night, the captain saw a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

The captain had his signalman send: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

The light signaled back: “Change yours, ten degrees west.”

Angry, the captain had the signalman send: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” came the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious: “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

The seaman sent one final reply: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A police officer pulled over a man who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He went up to the window and said, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man said, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine,” said the officer, who was being more than reasonable. “I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either,” said the man. “I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

Annoyed, but determined to remain reasonable the officer said, “Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer,” came the response.

“And why not?” he asked.

“Because I’m too drunk.”

A woman walked into a saloon and stood on a chair. “Fellas! My pussy is so big that I’ll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can’t take.”

A big cowboy got up and took off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoved them into her pussy. The boots were sucked right in. He grabbed a flashlight and, that too, was sucked in. He put his face in between her legs to get a better look and he got sucked in.

Inside he heard noises. “Is someone else in here?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ve been in here for a week,” the voice said.

“Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here,” said the cowboy.

“Hell,” said the other man, “help me find my keys and we can drive out.”

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

How does Alice like being pregnant?” Bob asked his friend John.

“Oh, she’s not pregnant,” John replied, “she’s expecting.”

“What’s the difference?” Bob pressed.

“Well, John explained, “She’s expecting me to cook dinner, she’s expecting me to do the housework, she’s expecting me to rub her feet…”

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

The first man said, “My wife was reading A Tale of two Cities, and she gave birth to twins!”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading The Three Musketeers, and she gave birth to triplets!”

The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty Thieves!”

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!”

So they were wed right away.

Months later a baby was born.

When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They re driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a ditch..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

After yet another tragic breakup, a blonde was telling her friend that she’d gone off men for life.

“They lie, they cheat, and they’re just no good,” she moaned. “From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my tried and tested plastic companion.”

“What happens when the batteries run out?” asked her friend.

“That’s simple,” replied the blonde. “I’ll just fake my orgasm like I usually do.”